Friday, July 11, 2008

vaguely

apparently i'm being too vague lately in my posting. (you're not the only one to say it, a.) as my many readers are all fully aware by now, i love s and being with him makes me the happiest i have ever been in my life (& believe me, i've had many exceptionally happy seconds, minutes, weeks, experiences). my existence is not wrapped up solely in the time i spend with him-i go to work, i'm still writing & researching on my book (even have the base for the 2nd one rattling around in my head), see friends outside of s, taking a class that starts next week, exercise, watch movies, read. my life is full & always was without him.
but, we've been on two 'dates' in as many weeks. his invitation out to dinner both times. (thus i am not counting my overtures.) when we are together there's always something extra, an indescribable glimmer that makes me feel beyond reason-happy. i don't want to sugarcoat it; that is not to say that trying again and starting over with him isn't something i take with a grain of salt (or even a whole block. isn't that what they used as currency back in the day?) he told me he wants all of me, although much of the rest of his life is a muddle in the grand scheme of his ptsd/depression symptoms. we will have to work on getting things back to how they were before or better. life, even this past week, has been very pleasant in that regard.
it took a lot out of me to risk being this vulnerable with one person & whatever has happened in the last 5 months, i don't regret being so transparent with s for almost 2 years now. i'm the only person he's ever been so open with either. i've never been here before, so i don't know how things work in relationships. yeah, i've seen quite a few successful ones, but i've also seen those that are a heck of a lot more #$%*ed up than ours is that work out just fine, too. i'm just taking it day-by-day.
not so sure i made anything any more clear by this post...

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2 Comments:

At 7/11/08, 3:58 PM, Blogger Suzanne said...

I'm glad that he realized what a mistake he made, and I think your approach to getting back together is very smart. I hope that things work out, as it seems like you two truly care each other, which is so important.

 
At 7/11/08, 4:51 PM, Blogger mar said...

thanks for being supportive of my dysfunctional self. :p

 

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