the party don't stop

The pity party, that is. Harhar!
The stress from S's unemployment dispute being denied (and hoping in some small, traitorous way that he won't appeal the decision, therefore having to go to court and extending my stress, not to mention his) is causing me to end up going out of remission or forming an ulcer. Yay, for more steroids to cure me (& plump me up)! Just as I'd lost a pound or two.
But all is not lost, at least not entirely. Home life in general is fairly decent, S's mom is turning 60 next week and we're having a big celebration for her on Sunday, we got to see my darling baby neice 3 weeks ago and she's cuter than ever (very proud Auntie Em here), getting an awesome Lush package (thanks Suzanne!) and our little fur baby, Grover, turned 2 on the 23rd. That little monster is one of the best things to happen to either of us. Unfortunately, he was a sick doggie on his b-day and we had to pick up some puppy probiotics (go figure!) on the day. He was much improved by the weekend & demolished his new loofah dog from grandma & grandpa.
Another encouraging event, not that I'm the marriage-hungry type, is that S has changed from saying "if we get married" to "when we get married" in the rare conversation. Not that I feel 32, but it's creeping up on me. And it saddens me little sad to say that occasionally looking at wedding stuff online is a little exciting. I've never been that girl, don't really want to be, but I think I would love to have a classy, intimate ceremony and a big reception afterwards. Guess I'm something of a girly-girl deep down after all.

disowned

i realize it's been over a month since i last posted & i really meant to post something sooner, but work has been hectic and on the weekends we're exhausted.
so my parents were here this weekend, which was great. i enjoyed having them here and it wasn't inordinately stressful like it can be. they got home tonight after their 800 mile trip that started yesterday and called me back to say they'd arrived (since i'd called them a couple times on the home & cell phones). dad told me they'd stopped to see my great aunt ida, his mom's sister who is in her 90s. i knew i shouldn't have asked and i held my tongue for a while as he described their visit. finally, i couldn't hold back anymore and said, "what happened to herman?" they had been married for something like 65 years and when they moved into assisted living it was nice because it was right across the street from the house they'd lived in for 50 years, so they were in the same neighborhood.
dad's response, "herman died in november." and i can hear mom in the background yelling that it was january. january 13.
um, that's more than 6 weeks ago. i had even asked for their address to send them a christmas card. i am so upset.
"we thought we told you" was their response.
'cause that's such a good excuse. i don't live in the same town so i'm not enough a part of the family to even need to know that someone passed away. if they get around to it, then they'll tell me. and this isn't the first time this has happened. relatives die, have babies or get married. and i'm the last to know, like it's my fault i didn't stay 5 miles from where i grew up.
i'm very hurt and i don't even know what i'm supposed to do to fix this. they're more than aware how this makes me feel. i haven't held back before, but apparently it hasn't sunk in to them yet.

some things, recently

s is the best. yes, indeedy. despite the many times (each day) i want to smack him for tapping his foot or my leg or any other repetitive motion, he is the bestest. earlier this week, when i did my taxes (yes, i filed my taxes on mlk day), i mentioned that i wasn't so sure how the whole blogher thing was going to fit in our budget, what with the whole buying a house business and whatnot.

he looked at me, quite sincerely, and said, "we'll make it work out somehow because you had so much fun this summer meeting people and it made you so happy."

is that not the sweetest thing? and having done my taxes, i have enough money from my refund to pay the registration fee and take care of my car tags (almost $200!!! why is it so expensive? i drive a frickin' toyota! a2005 camry is not a luxury car by any stretch. nor was my 2001 passat george and that was maybe $10 cheaper. ouch!) with a tiny bit left over for a rainy day emergency. that was exciting news on monday night and i was looking forward to an extended stay in nyc longer than a layover.

but now i'm still a little up in the air about being able to go because even more shiz is going down on this whole house thing. friday we were supposed to have the financing in place according to our offer to the seller and the bank was aware. all day i was giving myself an ulcer waiting to hear from the loan officer, getting calls & e-mails from our realtor asking if i'd heard anything yet because the clock was ticking down. all for naught (not?), right? oh no, the underwriters didn't sign off on it because we are short $$$ for the closing costs. you know, the closing that isn't happening for another month! between us we'll be getting 3 more paychecks from now to then. and guess how much we're short? oh, the exact amount of my tax refund. how serendipitous!
so that's all fine and dandy, but they still won't approve the financing until it's in the account. the realtor has me sign an extension request for 1 week to get the financing finalized. 1 lousy week, just until next friday. and my loan officer is best buds with the seller's realtor, so he's like no problem, he'll understand and everything'll be copacetic.

nope, the seller is still freaking out as far as i know and hasn't signed the extension because he has less than 5 weeks until he closes on the other house he's buying. actually, he's closing the same day we're closing. so despite his realtor explaining that this is a minor glitch (the money will be there next week one way or the other because my parents will either wire it to us until my refund comes back or the refund should be in the bank next week anyway) and things like this happen on occasion. if he backs out now, we're screwed and there's no way in h-e-double hockey sticks he's going to find another buyer willing to pay the same amount and get financing in place in less than 5 weeks. the place was on the market for over 2 months and no one nibbled until we looked at it and eventually made an offer a month after our first showing.
this morning we had to head over to coldwell to sign a revised statement saying that the financing is only contingent on the closing costs, which will be in place this week, and now we have to wait to hear if the seller's agent can talk him into agreeing and signing our week extension. hopefully he'll call by this afternoon to say things are back on track and we can wait until the bank gets its act together and comes through with the money.

and i haven't even mentioned the fact that the week before last my doctor diagnosed me with hypothyroidism, my fave coworker accepted a nursing position at the other hospital, our clinic administrator is retiring the same day coworker is leaving, s's old unit is being deployed again to iraq and tomorrow is his official last day in the military so i have to bake brownies, my/pioneer woman's sweet potatoes and make peaches & cream salad for the party. whew! guess i'll save something for another day because the monster needs to go out now.

disappeared

yep, there i go again, falling off the edge of the earth. and for over a month this time. not blogging is starting to get as bad as not working on my book. it's been just over a year since i had my first submission and subsequent rejection. i didn't realize at the time how symbolic that would be.
anyhoo, where i've been is working on finding a place to live. you know, an actual home that i/we own. hopefully finding out today from the bank about preapproval for a mortgage. scary, grownup stuff that i'm not sure i'm ready for right now. s is excited about it. i guess that leaves me with the role of eternal pessimist. our credit's not good enough, who would give us money, yada, yada.
it all started with me looking at properties online while we were in vegas mid-november. vegas was an awesome time with lots of eating and walking and looking at things. and apparently an anniversary trip was what s needed to make more of a commitment (ie the house thing-not like he proposed or anything, which apparently some of my friends find to be even more of a commitment than getting engaged)
my parents are kind enough to be giving us 10% down. they know i'm never going to want or have the kind of extravagant wedding that my brother did. (and i always thought the bride's family was expected to make the larger contribution-not that i think that's right.)
i've been waiting since friday to hear from the bank and i guess they're kindof backed up. supposed to find out this morning at the latest according to the loan officer s talked to yesterday afternoon. wish us luck!

the air up here

we're on the 30th floor here at the sheraton & about 9 times out of ten when we step on the elevator to get to our room, my ears pop. apparently the altitude is too high for me.
blogher has both surprised and disappointed me. along with bringing me to tears, making me laugh until my sides hurt (& tears run down my face), intimdated and inspired me. writing is such a tortuous experience for me. this probably explains why i haven't so much as touched my book since december even though it needs major tweaks and editing.
yesterday was great fun and the keynote speakers, every last one, were incredible. i'm still feeling a bit squiffy about handing out my cards to people, be they 'famous' or completely unknown to me. there's the idea that has wormed its way into my subconscious after years of inferiority complex that i am not worthy (ala wayne's world) & i don't know if i want anyone reading/judging my whinging. this was part of the discussion in the lifeblogging session yesterday afternoon: basically why do you have to justify your posts when they are addressing your life? and yet, i feel the need to do it. it's probably a large part of the self-deprecating humor that i've used as a protective shield for as long as i can remember. (not that there's anything wrong with things like sarcasm; i enjoy it in other people but there's a fine line you can cross so easily with a slip of the tongue.)
i honestly need to get over this and i also need to be more diligent in writing either on the first book or even get back to doing the researching/writing on the second one. we shall see how this goes once i get home tomorrow. life has changed immensely with s moving in so maybe i can dedicate more time to other important aspects of my life that i've neglected lately.

blarg!

so this has apparently turned into a whiny, medical blog. if and when i deign to post. it really feels like there's not much going on, even though there occasionally is. work is sapping my energy, so that i barely feel like functioning or doing anything when i get home. i'm lucky if i get around to picking up my dirty laundry & putting it in the new hamper i bought last month to replace the one i'd had since i was 10.
last monday i went to the gi doctor for a 6 month check-up because his nurse had called to tell me it was time. when i got there both the doc & the nurse asked what i was being seen for/why i came into the clinic. uh, you tell me? i only set up the appointment because i was told it was time & i figured it'd be good to discuss the weird lab results from the rheumatologist.
okay, so i hopped up on the table, he taps my belly & listens with the stethoscope, tells me he thinks i should continue on the remicade infusions since it doesn't seem i've developed any antibodies to it.
wait! but i do have an allergic reaction, which is why dr. f at the cancer center only lets me infuse at 60 (mg/mL- i think that's the right measurement).
at that comment dr. t looks at me like that's the first time he's ever heard that. so apparently, dr. f doesn't dictate anything about my every 7 week visit or when i had an allergic reaction to the freakin' benadryl or breaking out in hives when they sped up the infusion on 4 separate occasions, which is why they no longer go above 60. not to mention the fact that i had told him myself when i was feeling so sick all of last september & they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. he just shrugged & said that there didn't seem to be any reason to stop the remicade.
then he told me the good news. oh happy day. because i've had colitis for 10 years (diagnosed in june of 1999), i'm due for a colonoscopy. after 10 years, people have an insanely higher risk of colon cancer (something like 50 or 60%, i'll have to look it up because i can't remember the exact number). i've had my share of flexible sigmoidoscopies over the years, i think 6, but never a full colonoscopy. and after having a sedated flex sig when i was in the hospital in september 2007, i am never going to get another unsedated one. they are extremely painful in comparison. not that they usually do unsedated colonoscopies. at least at mercy, unlike the gi clinic where i work, they only use half-lytely instead of the whole gallon bowel prep.
i scheduled it for september because there's so much going on in the next few months: at work, blogher, s moving, my brother's wedding, possibly getting a puppy in that timeframe (squeee!!) probably should just get it over & done with, but there's no real rush.
what a thing to look forward to in the very near future. lucky me!

dark

last week was a real downer, in so many ways that i couldn't pull myself out of it. so much so that i cried at work. i didn't know what was going on with my health with my bloodwork coming back and the possible diagnosis of drug-induced lupus or possible thyroid disease. (and i still haven't heard back from the rheumatologist about the additional labs i had drawn on 3/13).
the big thing that kept me practically immobile was the trial in iowa city. a year ago february, a kid came to town to celebrate with his friends for his 21st birthday the next day. he went out, drank a bunch & got kicked out of the bar for getting sick, and then on the way to his friend's house for the night, ran away from the group up a street. his brother & friends called him repeatedly & called the cops to help look for him. about an hour later, he showed up with no pants and two coats wrapped around him to keep warm. he crawled into bed, saying he didn't remember where he ran off to and went to sleep.
the next day, a 75 year old man was found beaten to death in his own apartment a few blocks away. this kid's wallet, coat and shirt were found in the apartment, along with the door kicked in. the best guess of what happened is that because both buildings were the same number (513), but a different street. he runs off, thinks he's at his friend's place and got undressed to go to bed. when the old man confronts the intruder in his home, the drunk kid thinks that he's the one who broke in and beat and strangles the old man. he had at one point answered the phone when his friend called looking for him and said "there's a guy who's gurgling and it's freaking me out. i think he's dead." he still doesn't remember anything from that night, blackout.
all this happened 3 blocks from my apartment. the trial went on monday thru friday and one of the local newspapers had a reporter liveblogging the event. i didn't read the whole thing live, but every day i caught up on the testimony. at first i thought the kid deserved everything he got, life in prison, no doubt. then other things came out, like the fact that he rarely drank and his family growing up ran a program for delinquent boys to rehabilitate them, he started a bible study during the year he was incarcerated leading up to the trial. he's now only 22 & waiting on sentencing for the judge to decide (it was a non-jury trial) his fate. i still think there's no question that he killed the poor old man and that he deserves to be punished for that horrifying act, but i can't help but feel depressed about the life that he is losing as well, his own youth.
i don't know if i've come to any conclusions about why i was so enthralled by this or if i feel any better, but i felt like my own life was in limbo while the trial was in session. i was in a dark cloud of depression that took quite a long time to lift; it's not going to change what happened, but now i feel like i can breathe easier knowing that justice is working on finding the proper punishment. and it's good to know that the judge is conflicted over the outcome. makes me feel better to know that someone in such a position knows that it's not an easy situation to come to some kind of resolution.

photo advise

i have tons of pictures from trips overseas, mostly in 2000 & 2001, for school that i never put into photo albums. now i'm wondering what the best way to get them scanned/online without a scanner is. do places like cvs do that for you? i really want to get them on a zip drive or similar format.
any techies out there have suggestions? also, it'd be great if it's not too expensive either.

puppeeeey!!!

we looked at a puppy tonight at pet central. omg! he's so adorable, 6 weeks old male apricot toy poodle. filled out an adoption application. i'm not sure i'm ready to be a pet parent, but s & i are considering it. there are other people who also want francois, so we'll see. we'd both like a bigger dog if it were more feasible living in town/apartments, but all dogs are cute & deserve a loving home.
here

post-vote high

even though i voted over a month ago, and most of yesterday felt anti-climactic, i am one happy camper. i know that this won't unify people right away, but i am ever hopeful that obama can bring about the change that needs to come in this country.
discussing with a close friend of mine, she's heard people at the college where she works say things about how now 'the white folks will know how it feels' since we have a black president & 'we' are finally in power. i'd just like to post her response:

"I just wish people would see that this man has the potential to make America hopeful, to make us a country that believes in ourselves.

I would love to explain that this is a man who is America. Someone who is multiracial, who overcame large obstacles, and someone who became the most powerful individual in the world in four short years. I want to tell these students he won because his vision moved a country, he made Americans take pride in their nation, in their rights. He’s created a feeling of hope that hasn’t been around since the Kennedy era.

I also want to tell them he has a difficult job. His job is going to be harder than anyone’s in the world. He is taking charge of a country that is economically defunct, a country that is selfish, a country that has made political decisions the whole world disapproves of, a country that needs to fix itself for all of its citizens. I don’t envy his job."

she's so smart. that's why we're friends.

bigotry

oh how i love being awakened from s's cozy bed at 2am by the sounds of shouting and an imminent fight outside his house. his bedroom window faces the street, which is more than 5 blocks from the downtown bar scene. somehow 3 friends of his roommates' friends (2 guys & a girl, who i swear are underage, but hey, they let 19 year olds in bars here, so long as they 'don't drink') ended up sitting on the stoop since both roommates, aye indeed everyone in this here house, were asleep at that time.
and lo, the screaming and name-calling and fight-inducing began. not necessarily with the sketchy 'friends' on the stoop, but some other lovely neandertals, one of whom started screaming 'faggot!' and 'pussy!' repeatedly to taunt some other not-so-bright male who happened to be outside.
now as an insult, neither really works. there's nothing wrong with being a faggot, per se (i prefer other words, but meh, i love my gay friends) and perhaps if you, being male, have an issue with pussy & find it an insult, then maybe you are gay yourself. whatcha gonna do?
a number of factors (this not being my house, response time of police, my lack of voice & snotty head due to a nasty cold that is still causing me to hack up phlegm balls this morning) prevented me from opening the window into the 40 degree chill & screaming back at them that they were complete morons & get the hell out of here because i'd called the cops to report a hate crime. s went down in his robe to let the people on the stoop in, but things slowly dissipated after that. (perhaps very large occupier of house coming outside while the two drunk douchebags fight probably brought them enough to their senses to go away or at least move to another vicinity)
and now i'm headed downstairs to dig up some dayquil. pretty sure the random folks are still crashed out on the various furniture down there. yay!

crying at work

this story made me cry at work:

Amazing Holocaust love story lives on

doing something nice

last night we went to the johnson county fair. for dinner. you can just imagine what kind of dinner that was. steak sandwich, tenderloin sandwich, turkey leg, funnel cake, corndog, ice cream and cotton candy. no, i didn't eat it all by myself. we shared it all. and it was tasty! gotta make sure i/we don't do that regularly.
when s picked me up from work to go to the fair, he'd vacuumed & cleaned out my whole car. it was so sweet. admittedly, he's the one who made it messy in the first place, but he said he wanted to do something nice for me because i always do nice things for him.
we also got to hang out with his old martial arts teacher from almost 10 years ago. they were doing some demonstrations at the fair & selling their akita puppies. i may have been drawn in. s is checking about his new lease that starts next week. if a puppy enters the picture, i am all about getting advice from the dog owners reading about training a pup. my brother's dog is such a good girl & i will not mistreat a dog by letting her be improperly trained & not socialized like she should.
the weird thing about yesterday is that my ex sent me an e-mail at 8am suggesting that i ditch work & go to a concert with him. i asked him a few months ago to stop pestering me because i was so upset over the situation with s & he finally dropped it (i tried to be friends with him multiple times after our break-up & he wouldn't have any of it, so now he keeps trying when it's what he wants). i was the first person he thought of to go to this concert, but i don't know what he was expecting. that i'd drop everything & run off to some show because he asked? it's funny how i thought i loved him, but it wasn't even 1/100th of the feelings i have/had for s. you just never know the intensity until you've experienced it, i guess.

now playing~ingrid michaelson, courtesy of the ex's suggestion. at least he's good for something. he did fill me in on some gossip about an acquaintance. maybe i should thank him for that.

vaguely

apparently i'm being too vague lately in my posting. (you're not the only one to say it, a.) as my many readers are all fully aware by now, i love s and being with him makes me the happiest i have ever been in my life (& believe me, i've had many exceptionally happy seconds, minutes, weeks, experiences). my existence is not wrapped up solely in the time i spend with him-i go to work, i'm still writing & researching on my book (even have the base for the 2nd one rattling around in my head), see friends outside of s, taking a class that starts next week, exercise, watch movies, read. my life is full & always was without him.
but, we've been on two 'dates' in as many weeks. his invitation out to dinner both times. (thus i am not counting my overtures.) when we are together there's always something extra, an indescribable glimmer that makes me feel beyond reason-happy. i don't want to sugarcoat it; that is not to say that trying again and starting over with him isn't something i take with a grain of salt (or even a whole block. isn't that what they used as currency back in the day?) he told me he wants all of me, although much of the rest of his life is a muddle in the grand scheme of his ptsd/depression symptoms. we will have to work on getting things back to how they were before or better. life, even this past week, has been very pleasant in that regard.
it took a lot out of me to risk being this vulnerable with one person & whatever has happened in the last 5 months, i don't regret being so transparent with s for almost 2 years now. i'm the only person he's ever been so open with either. i've never been here before, so i don't know how things work in relationships. yeah, i've seen quite a few successful ones, but i've also seen those that are a heck of a lot more #$%*ed up than ours is that work out just fine, too. i'm just taking it day-by-day.
not so sure i made anything any more clear by this post...

fondly

yesterday i came home to a letter in the mail. it really made my day! last week i had written to s’s cute little g-ma in st paul asking for a recipe & she wrote back the sweetest note. just like my gran, she had never actually written the recipe down before. and besides sending me a recipe card for the pasta (plus a diagram on how to roll it out properly!), she also sent the recipe for her marinara sauce. i may not be a part of the family, but i'm so happy she was willing to share it. my gran had the best buns in the world; it was a running gag about my grandma’s buns. and we will never be able to replicate that recipe. before she passed away over a year ago, she had tried to write it down for me, but it was so much by feel more than anything else. and i've never been able to make yeast breads with any kind of consistency. maybe it’s time to try again.
it all just makes me miss my grandma j beyond belief. last night when i got home & read the letter, i burst into tears thinking about how we used to write & would chat about our baseball games (i'm inexplicably a cubs fan, while my gran followed the braves & mary ann loves her twins). mary ann wrote about how her twins were doing well this season & how she’s suffering from a little case of gout & she’ll be traveling to moorhead next week and worried about her garden while she’s going to be gone. it was such a grandma letter, almost verbatim what my grandma always wrote. it's not as though she could ever be a substitute for my grandmothers, but it makes me want to be a part of s’s family (even the crazy part & his not-crazy mother, who is sweet but makes me feel intimidated sometimes because of her protecting her baby boy). of course, this is all a pipe dream, but meh, that’s what dreams are, right?

yesterday before i got home, i had broken out the ol’ iPod nano & was shuffling through songs. one i hadn’t heard in ages, but always loved was bebo norman’s “i'm alright”. not sure why i had neglected it so long, but the lyrics always seem to fit.

i've got a little hope in my pocket, i want to share a bit with you
just be careful that you don't drop it, but don't worry if you do
'cause i got broken down inside me, and i might just need some help
but i will get by

and i've got demons in my history, got bone beneath my skin
but i've been taken by a mystery, yes, i've been taken in
and sometimes voices down inside me try to fight me for myself
i will get by

what have i got to live for
if there's nothing beating in my chest
what have i got to live for
when this world starts turning, it's burning me up
i'm alright

i used to think love was just a barter, second hand coincidence
what doesn't kill you just makes you harder, so i used my common sense
keeping cold to keep my distance, ‘til you took my pride away
now i will get by

i am not afraid, no, i am not afraid
and i will not go crazy here

i've got a little hope here in my pocket, i want to share a bit with you
so just be careful that you don't drop it, but don't worry if you do
'cause i got voices down inside me, and i might just need some help
i will get by

what have i got to live for
if there's nothing beating in my chest
what have i got to live for
when this world starts turning, burning me up
when my heart is hurting, i'm learning the rough
when this world starts turning, it's burning me up
i'm alright

in memoriam

today is memorial day & as suebob pointed out, it's not really appropriate to say 'happy memorial day!' considering the reason for the holiday.
growing up, i never had much of an association with the military. one of my cousins joined the navy when he was 18 & was always off on some ship or other, but even my older relatives didn't have too much military experience that i knew about. yeah, my parents' older brothers both served in korea, but nothing was ever really made of it. and my grandfathers weren't able to serve (paternal g-pa lost an eye when he was young & maternal g-pa was needed as a farmer). my dad's number was up next for the draft just before vietnam wrapped up.
now with this war, i dealt with my brother placed in harm's way. i know that some of his brothers in arms lost their lives. and i have held s in the middle of the night remembering the terror of insurgent attacks on his battalion & the losses they suffered. for those who have lost a loved one and those who will in the future, any loss is too much.

appreciation

so in very few posts on her new blog, sullivan has shown that she's wise beyond her 24 years. her comment about losing s's 'conditional affection' versus having his unconditional love sortof struck a chord. everyone has given me such good, thoughtful advice & i appreciate it so much.
thank you suz, des, amo, jackie, suebob, mdog & everyone else, lurking or otherwise in my life. despite this whinging getting me more comments than i've ever had, i really am doing my best to move beyond this & focus on other things. get my life in order, as much as anyone really can. s has to do that too & perhaps we'll be friends once we get to the other side. my new philosophy, & don't take this as a negative, is 'maybe, maybe not'.

why me? syndrome

so i know lately i've been pretty whiny. all why me? what did i do wrong to deserve this? the man i love fell out of love with me, i've been sick for the past nine years & will be for the rest of my life, finances are rarely on my side. i guess i never could be one of those people who stoically takes her lumps and asks for another, sir.
it's not like everyone hasn't been through some sort of tribulation that seems, whether real or exaggerated, a personal tragedy. the death of a loved one, your car needs repairs at the most inopportune time, illness, work troubles or worse.
tell me, dear (& few) readers, what do you do to pull yourself up by the bootstraps & (re)take control of your life?

fallout

not that it hasn't been in the back of my mind, if not the forefront, but this article & this one only served to elucidate my feelings.
i guess i've known for quite some time that the va sucks in treating veterans properly. this point was brought home to me probably as much as two decades ago by an elderly neighbor who served in wwii as a decoder (sorry, not sure of the correct terminology. she decoded both messages announcing v-e day & v-j day, along with many, many more, i'm sure. she had plenty of health issues, severe asthma particulary, and she had to travel 200 miles to get to the state va every time she actually had an appointment. considering she was in her 70s then, it made things incredibly difficult.
now our veterans who've served in iraq & afghanistan are getting screwed over, even if they make it back. if they're not suffering from some physical injuries (from loss of limb to hearing loss), a huge percentage have mental health issues (ptsd, depression) that need to be treated as seriously as any physical ailment. according to the article more than 300,000 vets & only about half have sought help. i know this from personal experience with both my brother & s. my brother would never admit to any kind of stress. he's just that kind of tough guy. i don't even know half of the stories that my parents do about his time in iraq & i'm sure that's only a fraction of what horrors he actually experienced. in s' case, he's been on antidepressants for over a year and sees a psychiatrist for therapy monthly. the nice little chart of symptoms for ptsd states: "feeling numb & loss of interest in relationships & activities, feeling on edge, getting angry easily, having a hard time sleeping, and overreacting when startled" and for traumatic brain injury: "changes in mood & behavior, trouble remembering & concentrating"
huh, doesn't sound familiar at all to me. nope, i don't know anyone to whom that applies.
i'm so glad that s is getting the treatment that he needs, but other veterans are having trouble finding therapists who will be compensated by their insurance. i imagine that this doesn't help keep the suicide rates down if it takes months to find someone to counsel you.
healthcare in general is abysmal, but we need to do more. the government needs to do more. i just wish i knew what that were.

you stay

this post has been a long time coming. ever since my gran passed in april of this year, i've had an incredibly difficult time attending church services. the funeral was basically the same weekend as easter and my dad's birthday. that's basically eight months now. being hospitalized in september and recovering from that just made it that much easier to make excuses for not going. perhaps this is just a normal drought in my spiritual life. i kinda hope that's all it is. i still pray every night before i go to sleep, but i feel like i'm not keeping up my end by worshiping in a formal setting, or at all some days/weeks/months.
listening to my ipod one night before bed, the song in my title came on. it sortof put things into perspective. even if this malaise continues for a while longer, i think it'll be okay, eventually.

you stay
by scott phillips

i’ve run away in search of greener fields
but you have stayed despite how that must make you feel
i’ve sown the seeds…and pain is all i reap
but here you stand…your love remains as deep
chorus:
though i turn away…when my consistency sways
you stay, you stay
foolish things i’ve tried…i’ve turned my face, ashamed i would hide
but you kneel and smile and gently then you comfort your child
(chorus)
bridge:
a star a stable and angels all hail the day you came
and even though we tried to make you leave
because of me you stay, because of me you stay