Saturday, July 26, 2008

cut out?

so i just found out that my brother & his fiancee will have 7 attendants each for the wedding next august. and i may not be asked to be in the wedding. or maybe just as a reader. that seems like a slap in the face if i'm not included in my only sibling's ceremony. my mother doesn't see how that's an issue. really? it's not insulting that immediate family (there's only the 4 of us-mom, dad, brother & i) doesn't participate? oh, okay mom. i won't take it that way, then.
i doubt that she, the fiancee, will neglect her future sister-in-law's involvement (apparently after she said yes, the first thing she asked when she was going to get to meet me), but that my own family don't think it's an important thing boggles my mind. we've always been close-knit & weddings aren't a big deal to me, but my little brother only gets married once (i hope).
should i not be hurt by this? yeesh, even s understands.

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Thursday, July 24, 2008

doing something nice

last night we went to the johnson county fair. for dinner. you can just imagine what kind of dinner that was. steak sandwich, tenderloin sandwich, turkey leg, funnel cake, corndog, ice cream and cotton candy. no, i didn't eat it all by myself. we shared it all. and it was tasty! gotta make sure i/we don't do that regularly.
when s picked me up from work to go to the fair, he'd vacuumed & cleaned out my whole car. it was so sweet. admittedly, he's the one who made it messy in the first place, but he said he wanted to do something nice for me because i always do nice things for him.
we also got to hang out with his old martial arts teacher from almost 10 years ago. they were doing some demonstrations at the fair & selling their akita puppies. i may have been drawn in. s is checking about his new lease that starts next week. if a puppy enters the picture, i am all about getting advice from the dog owners reading about training a pup. my brother's dog is such a good girl & i will not mistreat a dog by letting her be improperly trained & not socialized like she should.
the weird thing about yesterday is that my ex sent me an e-mail at 8am suggesting that i ditch work & go to a concert with him. i asked him a few months ago to stop pestering me because i was so upset over the situation with s & he finally dropped it (i tried to be friends with him multiple times after our break-up & he wouldn't have any of it, so now he keeps trying when it's what he wants). i was the first person he thought of to go to this concert, but i don't know what he was expecting. that i'd drop everything & run off to some show because he asked? it's funny how i thought i loved him, but it wasn't even 1/100th of the feelings i have/had for s. you just never know the intensity until you've experienced it, i guess.

now playing~ingrid michaelson, courtesy of the ex's suggestion. at least he's good for something. he did fill me in on some gossip about an acquaintance. maybe i should thank him for that.

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Monday, July 21, 2008

sleep better

s had to back out on our standing dinner date night (i was making pad thai!) because his mom wanted him to have dinner with the family. instead, he said that if i wanted to stay over at his place, i could "because i sleep better when you're there."


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Sunday, July 20, 2008


by the time i post this, my little brother (who will be 28 in october) will have proposed to his girlfriend of barely one year. i haven't even met the girl, unless you count a couple of speakerphone conversations and some comments on myspace. the parents love her, she's a nurse so she understands the demands of my brother's emt career & they both seem truly smitten. i'm incredibly happy for them. i wonder if they're gonna rush the wedding, since she wants to be married. maybe being engaged for a while will be good enough.

edit- here's a pic of the ring that lb texted me just now. i love how you can see the lake (he proposed at my aunt & uncle's cabin) between her fingers.

on with the really interesting stuff: my love life. monday we had our usual dinner night. tuesday, s picked me up from work because it was too hot to walk. (sweltering 90s) wednesday, met briefly at my place & then he dropped off some .99 tacos from a local mexican place for me. thursday night, s called again & asked if i wanted to stay over. as the likelihood that i'd get more sleep, still not knowing whether my upstairs neighbors would keep me awake (more on that later), i jumped at the chance. we chatted, i watched the rest of supersize me, curled up in bed for a few chapters of my book & zonked out. friday around 8, he called & asked if i wanted to come over to watch drillbit taylor. it was a cute 'tweenish version of superbad, i thought. quite likeable. slept until 11 after a wrestling match of 'please keep your morning breath away from me' when i mentioned my desire to get one of those horrific hardee's prime rib burger things. yes, the commercial talked me into it, plus i love steak. one problem, the local restaurant was smack in the middle of the flooding, so no go. we located the nearest one & road trip! it was actually pretty fun, just to drive out of town, listening to a new cd (the new alkaline trio, which s can't stand because it's too radio-friendly & poppier than their usual stuff) & talking with my sweetie. the rest of the afternoon was spent quite lazily. i flipped through some books/mags while s played a game & we listened to a podcast. man, do i love my weekends.

oh, but my landlord stopped me & asked about the noise because the jerk of an upstairs neighbor is having trouble getting a new lease. or maybe my landlord is having trouble finding someone to sign for the place. either way, i am not pleased about this. he told me 2 months ago, the guy was out. i will be writing up a complaint every time it is loud & if have to i will call the noisy tenant & then call the landlord, even it's 3am. why should he get to sleep if i don't? i really hate the idea of moving after living here 6 years, but i can't go another year the way it has been these past twelve months. *sigh* it never ends.

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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

i'm ever so cumorous

apparently this fantastic new word is an amalgamation of cute and humorous. on his way out from my apartment last night, s ended up combining those words. we had lasagna at my place while watching little britain: live, then he took me downtown to coldstone. i tried & decided on the blueberry muffin batter with pecans (like banana-nut or cranberry walnut muffins-it was tasty!) and he had cake batter with brownie & cookie dough mix-ins. it was a fun night. and my friend h agrees that cumorous is the word for me, now that she knows that word.
tomorrow i start my online class in medical coding. it's only 6 weeks-twelve lessons, but i wonder how difficult it’s actually going to be. people spend 18 months, at least to get a degree in coding. this will only be for a “certificate”, but i'm hoping that it’ll be a nice bump on my résumé since i'm in the market for a job in the insurance claims/billing department. is it so wrong that i want to work closer to home? (yeah, yeah, my 30 minute walking commute would be cut in half, poor baby) there’s not much option besides staying in the university system because i cannot give up a job with benefits this good. (my every <2 month infusions cost around $5000 a pop, so i can’t exactly lose or risk changing my insurance. i only have to make a $10 co-pay on them & i know people who have to pay $400 or more each session.) if i went to the business office, i'd be taking a slight pay cut to start because of a change in job titles, but if it was something i liked better & stayed in that position would end up with a higher salary in the long run. maybe the pros outweigh the cons. i need to get out of here before i get a lateral promotion with no recognition & more stress/responsibility that i have no desire to take on when my coworker graduates from nursing school next spring.
the problem is, i just don’t know what i want to do when i grow up. even on the off chance i get this book published & start writing the second one, i don’t see it as a full-time occupation. partly because of the insurance thing & also because i can’t see it as a ‘steady’ income.
wait, what happened to me being cute & humorous? when did this turn into a whinging session? i had a pretty fantastic & relaxing weekend, besides devouring a teen vampire novel, working overtime, hitting the farmer’s market, got to spend plenty of time with s when he was home in the evenings after drill. we even went to a concert on saturday. and on friday night before falling asleep we talked for about an hour & he wanted to know if he treated me okay. he should have asked that after covering me in silly string on sunday night when i walked in the door to his apartment. it's getting there. after all, how can he resist someone as cumorous as i am?

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Sunday, July 13, 2008


okay, so this probably isn't something you're expecting me to fess up to or anything. yesterday i worked overtime in the morning & i stopped at the library on the way back home. i had a book waiting on hold for me.
yeah, yeah. i read my share of vampire novels back in high school. (i wish i could remember the name of that series because the author had a vampire one & then a witch one that we were all enthralled with. found it! the vampire diaries & the secret circle by l.j. smith) and i was fairly warned that i'd get caught up in this one. luckily i didn't have too much to do this weekend. i read the first 300 or so pages yesterday & just polished off the last two hundred this morning. now i guess i'd better get something else accomplished today.

i did put in a hold request for the 2nd book, though, new moon...


Friday, July 11, 2008


apparently i'm being too vague lately in my posting. (you're not the only one to say it, a.) as my many readers are all fully aware by now, i love s and being with him makes me the happiest i have ever been in my life (& believe me, i've had many exceptionally happy seconds, minutes, weeks, experiences). my existence is not wrapped up solely in the time i spend with him-i go to work, i'm still writing & researching on my book (even have the base for the 2nd one rattling around in my head), see friends outside of s, taking a class that starts next week, exercise, watch movies, read. my life is full & always was without him.
but, we've been on two 'dates' in as many weeks. his invitation out to dinner both times. (thus i am not counting my overtures.) when we are together there's always something extra, an indescribable glimmer that makes me feel beyond reason-happy. i don't want to sugarcoat it; that is not to say that trying again and starting over with him isn't something i take with a grain of salt (or even a whole block. isn't that what they used as currency back in the day?) he told me he wants all of me, although much of the rest of his life is a muddle in the grand scheme of his ptsd/depression symptoms. we will have to work on getting things back to how they were before or better. life, even this past week, has been very pleasant in that regard.
it took a lot out of me to risk being this vulnerable with one person & whatever has happened in the last 5 months, i don't regret being so transparent with s for almost 2 years now. i'm the only person he's ever been so open with either. i've never been here before, so i don't know how things work in relationships. yeah, i've seen quite a few successful ones, but i've also seen those that are a heck of a lot more #$%*ed up than ours is that work out just fine, too. i'm just taking it day-by-day.
not so sure i made anything any more clear by this post...

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Monday, July 07, 2008

meet ambrose

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

hi, i'm ambrose dossel! read about my accidental trip through time when maren publishes her first book. coming soon!

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Sunday, July 06, 2008


he said, "it seems like it's been a really long time..."

"since what?" i asked, knowing full well what he meant.

"since we broke up," he shrugged.

i held up all the fingers on one hand. "five months! it's been 5 months."

"it has?" he seemed shocked. "i guess it actually has been a long time."

then i headbutted him.

really, i did. but rather gently. quite mature for a 29 year old, i know. this conversation happened immediately after discussing the fact that s wants me in his life, that above all this confusion & depression that's been muddling up his brain, i am important to him & he realizes that. not just in some vague "i care about you because you're a good person" kind of way. "i love you & can't imagine not having you in my life because i've been an idiot" or else why would i still spend all this time with you?"
i can't say that this is going to be easy. the past months have been torture & my heart is too tender to completely jump back into the fray without some sense of hesitance. i know that it wasn't his intention to hurt me, but he did all the same. and now he has to be aware of his actions in the future. it's not like the depression, the ptsd, is just going to disappear. i know it doesn't work like that, but he can be accountable. if he is the man i believe him to be, he will get through this, every day. and i will still be here for him, every day.


Wednesday, July 02, 2008

i hate accuracy

at the chemo center again today for another infusion. two weeks early because i haven't been feeling well for at least that long. and of course i had another allergic reaction. yay hives! it's going on 2.30pm now & i showed up here at 8.30am.
i've also been really emotional & fun-time mood swinging lately. s stopped by to check on me, after he had lunch with the girl he 'dated' before she leaves for australia. he told me that he's always here for me & he cares about me. wtf does that really mean? nothing or everything. he thinks i'm worried about being sick & that's one of the lowest things on my list of priorities of what's upsetting me. yeesh! men!
and check out what my horoscope has to say for today.

Daily Love for July 2, 2008 (Today)
1/20 – 2/18

Daily Flirt:
Little things get under your skin far too easily today, and you should use everything you have to keep from blowing up at one point. Sometimes you just have to let yourself freak out!

Daily Couples:
A problem at home is threatening to derail the happy mood you've worked so hard to establish. Tackle the issue head-on to minimize its impact on your life. You and your partner will soon be back to normal, as if nothing happened.

Daily Singles:
Lately, you've been a tornado of emotions. It's time to better organize your feelings! These mood swings could be an after effect from your tendency to build a wall around your bruised ego instead of nurturing it.

and i can't bring myself to flat out ask him what any of this means (not the horoscope) for fear of getting the same answer he's given the last 5 months & crushing me again entirely.
yeesh! women!

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