new title

am officially an auntie! baby sophia was born at 6.03am and weighs 6lbs 8oz and is 19.5 inches long. can't wait to see a picture, even if we won't get to actually see her until probably thanksgiving time if we can get away.
congrats to my brother and sil and my parents, first-time grandparents! yay!

wow!

so apparently s arranged with my mom to buy me tickets to blogher '10. i just filed his taxes this afternoon and went to check my e-mail before bed. i saw 2 confirmation e-mails for my tickets with my parents' e-mail address. mom said i'd better ask s about it. pretty much spent his whole tax refund because i do things for him all the time. and so, besides buying the plane ticket, i guess i'm gonna be crashing at suzanne's place. good thing she knows i don't snore.
that explains why he kept asking me when the early bird deadline was. aww....

end of the line

when suz & i hit up the social luxe lounge before blogher, we signed up to receive a free sweater from lands' end, to be shipped at a later date. of course, that date ended up being the week i was in nodak for my brother's wedding. by the time i got home, ups had already given me 3 notices and shipped it back. i called ups, they told me nothing could be done until it arrived at the shipping point. i e-mailed lands' end and customer service told me they had no record of it since i hadn't made an actual order. they said they'd get back to me when i gave them the tracking number. nothing, not a peep from them & that was 2 weeks ago.
yesterday, i received a mass e-mail from lands' end's pr person about a new campaign to blog (or tweet) called good feelings. if you post about the campaign, they'll donate a cone of yarn for each post to knit hats for the homeless and enter you for a chance to win their new good feelings line. i'm going to imbed the knitting video as soon as my connection stops freaking out.
i really want to learn how to knit. i've got basic crocheting down, but have never been able to master knitting.
anyroad, the point of this e-mail was how cool lands' end has been. i e-mailed the pr person back about my returned sweater & she responded immediately that she had my sweater right there & was going to send it back to me. they didn't know if i'd moved or what since it was returned by ups. sweet! now suzanne & i can be twinsies for next year's blogher!

happy anniversary

so 3 years ago on august 4th was the night i met s. i had completely forgotten what day it was because august came upon us so fast. luckily it didn't pass me by because i'd put a reminder in my phone calendar & it notified me on my lunch break. when i got home, i told s. his response was that we should get something special for dinner. he said he'd pick it up when he made a best buy run. while he was gone, there was a knock on the door. i looked out the peep hole to see a pizza delivery guy. i opened the door & grover busted out straight onto the the pizza warmer box. i managed to wrangle him & tell the guy i hadn't ordered a pizza, then realized that maybe s did. okay, let me just get my wallet. nope, s had already paid for it when he stopped by mesa & ordered. we had some tasty chicken cordon bleu and southwest steak.
he then proceeded to give me a joke hickey on the front of my neck. s does this on occasion, not in the heat of the moment, but because he can & finds it funny. happy anniversary to me! hopefully this bruise will be gone by the time the wedding comes around next saturday.

fall down, go boom

and there i went awol again in the same month as blogher. man, i suck! what excuses this time? well, s has been as good as living here and the puppy monster has been running us ragged. his cuteness far exceeds the drawbacks, though i have barely been able to get any kind of writing in the past 2 months. (don't ask if i mean s or grover.)
about the falling downness: on friday at work, the clinic administrator took us all aside and informed us that, although we had survived the first round of layoffs, the hospital planned to cut salaries across the board by 2%. hey, at least we still have jobs. and i figured out from my salary and my annual hours that i'm only losing $.33/hour. i'm not gonna argue with that versus losing some kick-arse coworkers. (simply because we wouldn't be the ones choosing who goes, so i'll put up with the barely tolerable ones if i have to. or if i am one of them.)
then on saturday, s & i went to a wedding. the ceremony itself (including processional/recessional) was a whole 12 minutes. at the reception at the country club we had a seating chart, which was my first experience with that formality. it turned out to be a pretty awesome match up for all involved, though. the one flaw with the evening was that an extra chair was randomly placed at our table while we were up getting hors d'oeuvres. i sat one chair off from my original seat and in an attempt to correct the error i was in the process of scooting my butt to the one to the right. s also thought to correct the extraneous chair by pulling it away from the table, right out from under me. in front of the entire table, i fell down and crashed to the floor. fall down, go boom. i have 2 parallel bruises on my right leg, one on my thigh and the other on my shin.
and finally, the boom. s, as i'd mentioned above, has basically been staying here for the past 4 weeks if not longer. there was a falling out with one of his whiny, baby roommates (recall, if you will, that they have all recently turned 21 or are younger & s will be 26 in september) who is now refusing to pay his share of the heat/electric that is under s's name. beyond that, s was supposed to have a place to live, but when he went to dinner with the 2 current roommates (4 people total, 2 of whom were staying & 2 new people coming in) on the 5th, the guy freaked out because s went to hs with & knew his ex-gf only as a passing acquaintance. to say it was a bad breakup is an understatement. the girl apparently took out a restraining order on him & he goes into a month-long depression every year at the time of the breakup. thus, after much discussion, s will be moving into my apartment. we'll be getting a storage space because when someone has lived in a 1 bedroom apartment for the past 7 years as i have, one tends to accumulate a great deal of stuff. not to mention that last year s lived by himself in a 2 bedroom before this house fiasco. we haven't killed each other yet, despite the close quarters this past month & i'm making room for some of his "junk" to replace my "junk". i know that "they" recommend you don't move into a place that someone else already lives in for fear of being territorial, but it should be fine with an adjustment period.
i guess s will have all of the weekend after next to get cozy while i'm at blogher. hopefully, we'll have everything situated by that point & i'll be able to get my groove on with all the cool blogesses out there in blogland! wooo! can't wait!

furballs

last night we stopped by petland to play with the puppies. when we got in we cuddled the bunnies (oh suzanne! i want one! there was an adorable brown one who was so docile & had about 3 strands of white on the top of his head.) then we walked to the puppy area & strolled up the windows checking out what breeds they had. i have never heard of a chiweenie (chihuahua & weiner dog/dachsund?) it was actually pretty cute, despite s's complete disgust over chihuahas. it looked more like a doxie with a little chi in the face, but more weiner dog in the body, too.
s had to get out this tiny white puff of a pomeranian to play with. in the play area he was holding it in a ball & i told him it wasn't a popple. what's a popple? gah, then i did feel old because he doesn't remember them. hello, 1985. (you know, when he was two.)
next up was the love of my life, a 10-week old scottie boy. he had the sweetest disposition, possibly because it was almost bedtime. the worker was so short & he was in the top enclosure & the cairn terrier & the other pup in with him were all bouncy and wanted to go more than he did, but she finally rangled him. they didn't have any scotties the last time we went in to play last summer, so as much as my love for them, i'd never actually held one. he had such intelligent eyes & they're so noble looking, even in puppy form. he nibbled in camaraderie on s's beard. i think i like their beards more than schnauzers. they're so squat and solid for little dogs. and the black curly/wavy hair wasn't coarse yet because he's still young.
then i had to put him away & s asked for the shiranian (shih tzu/pomeranian), which is what the sales girl had at home. she said if her landlord would let her, she would've already taken that little girl home to be a companion dog to her 1-year old pup. the thing was a hyper terror, but cute with the little black curly tail brushing the hair on her back & giving her a flat top. she nipped & chewed on my hand and she was a climber, a little daredevil. when she wasn't trying to dig up the paint spot on the floor of the playpen or escape by digging out of the corner of the play area.
on the way out we played with the bunnies again. i couldn't get over how they don't smell at all and yet the guinea pigs & hamsters right next to them are so smelly. and this morning i still want to take that little scottie home with me. (i'd never buy from petland, but there's a scottie breeder a few hours north of here that has 2 black little boys left, 13 weeks old & i may have to contact them to see how much they are. i was going to replace my 13 year old tube tv this weekend, but who needs a tv when i can be entertained by a puppy?)

just shoot me

my shoulders hurt from the arthritis and it's only been 2 1/2 weeks since my last infusion. next one scheduled for january 22. makes things difficult to do anything in daily life. it set me off to tears this evening. not sobs or anything, just the rolling down your face kind. and i asked s if he'd shoot me, if i went on humira injections. i imagine it's difficult to poke the needle into your own arm (though i 'spose i could ask diabetics with their daily insulin). i don't think i'd want to do it myself every time. and he said, of course he would.
all these drugs for my colitis are originally intended for rheumatoid arthritis, which seems to be my current existing issue. all the gi symptoms have pretty much been in remission for most of the past year. and the remicade doesn't seem to be lasting as long as it's supposed to, the 6-8 weeks between infusions. humira is only weekly or every other week with the injection you can do yourself. it's an option that i need to discuss with my physician(s).
i realize the ups & downs we've had, but i love s so much for being understanding of my medical condition. he told me i'm wonderful & i returned the compliment. he also said we have a pretty symbiotic relationship, don't we? you need me & i need you. i like to think more that we complement each other because i can be completely myself with him. it feels wonderful to not hide any facet or be embarrassed about your flaws. he's always telling me how beautiful i am, how smart, how sexy, how lucky he is.
i'm a lucky girl.
merry christmas to me!
(and you too!)

post-vote high

even though i voted over a month ago, and most of yesterday felt anti-climactic, i am one happy camper. i know that this won't unify people right away, but i am ever hopeful that obama can bring about the change that needs to come in this country.
discussing with a close friend of mine, she's heard people at the college where she works say things about how now 'the white folks will know how it feels' since we have a black president & 'we' are finally in power. i'd just like to post her response:

"I just wish people would see that this man has the potential to make America hopeful, to make us a country that believes in ourselves.

I would love to explain that this is a man who is America. Someone who is multiracial, who overcame large obstacles, and someone who became the most powerful individual in the world in four short years. I want to tell these students he won because his vision moved a country, he made Americans take pride in their nation, in their rights. He’s created a feeling of hope that hasn’t been around since the Kennedy era.

I also want to tell them he has a difficult job. His job is going to be harder than anyone’s in the world. He is taking charge of a country that is economically defunct, a country that is selfish, a country that has made political decisions the whole world disapproves of, a country that needs to fix itself for all of its citizens. I don’t envy his job."

she's so smart. that's why we're friends.

180 degrees

i've taken off from work until monday & as of this morning i feel like i've made a 180 degree turn for the better. my arthritis has kicked in because there's less than a week left until my next infusion, but even that isn't getting me down. i'm hoping that this will last for a while. s is also holding me 'captive' at his place to keep an eye on & take care of me. i think i have a case of stockholm syndrome. ;)
resting, relaxing & recuperating after a small surgical procedure yesterday is probably the best thing for me. plus, i desperately needed a mental health day or two after feeling like crap for the whole month of september. (hopefully this won't be a trend since it was last september that i spent in the hospital, too.)
enjoy your weekend, everyone!

i'm yours

still sick, circumstances as to why could be better, but in general i'm pretty happy right now. love is a wonderful thing, but i don't want to jinx it.

i can't get this video to embed, but i'll try to update it later.

update~

doing something nice

last night we went to the johnson county fair. for dinner. you can just imagine what kind of dinner that was. steak sandwich, tenderloin sandwich, turkey leg, funnel cake, corndog, ice cream and cotton candy. no, i didn't eat it all by myself. we shared it all. and it was tasty! gotta make sure i/we don't do that regularly.
when s picked me up from work to go to the fair, he'd vacuumed & cleaned out my whole car. it was so sweet. admittedly, he's the one who made it messy in the first place, but he said he wanted to do something nice for me because i always do nice things for him.
we also got to hang out with his old martial arts teacher from almost 10 years ago. they were doing some demonstrations at the fair & selling their akita puppies. i may have been drawn in. s is checking about his new lease that starts next week. if a puppy enters the picture, i am all about getting advice from the dog owners reading about training a pup. my brother's dog is such a good girl & i will not mistreat a dog by letting her be improperly trained & not socialized like she should.
the weird thing about yesterday is that my ex sent me an e-mail at 8am suggesting that i ditch work & go to a concert with him. i asked him a few months ago to stop pestering me because i was so upset over the situation with s & he finally dropped it (i tried to be friends with him multiple times after our break-up & he wouldn't have any of it, so now he keeps trying when it's what he wants). i was the first person he thought of to go to this concert, but i don't know what he was expecting. that i'd drop everything & run off to some show because he asked? it's funny how i thought i loved him, but it wasn't even 1/100th of the feelings i have/had for s. you just never know the intensity until you've experienced it, i guess.

now playing~ingrid michaelson, courtesy of the ex's suggestion. at least he's good for something. he did fill me in on some gossip about an acquaintance. maybe i should thank him for that.

sleep better

s had to back out on our standing dinner date night (i was making pad thai!) because his mom wanted him to have dinner with the family. instead, he said that if i wanted to stay over at his place, i could "because i sleep better when you're there."

awwww...

proposal

by the time i post this, my little brother (who will be 28 in october) will have proposed to his girlfriend of barely one year. i haven't even met the girl, unless you count a couple of speakerphone conversations and some comments on myspace. the parents love her, she's a nurse so she understands the demands of my brother's emt career & they both seem truly smitten. i'm incredibly happy for them. i wonder if they're gonna rush the wedding, since she wants to be married. maybe being engaged for a while will be good enough.

edit- here's a pic of the ring that lb texted me just now. i love how you can see the lake (he proposed at my aunt & uncle's cabin) between her fingers.


on with the really interesting stuff: my love life. monday we had our usual dinner night. tuesday, s picked me up from work because it was too hot to walk. (sweltering 90s) wednesday, met briefly at my place & then he dropped off some .99 tacos from a local mexican place for me. thursday night, s called again & asked if i wanted to stay over. as the likelihood that i'd get more sleep, still not knowing whether my upstairs neighbors would keep me awake (more on that later), i jumped at the chance. we chatted, i watched the rest of supersize me, curled up in bed for a few chapters of my book & zonked out. friday around 8, he called & asked if i wanted to come over to watch drillbit taylor. it was a cute 'tweenish version of superbad, i thought. quite likeable. slept until 11 after a wrestling match of 'please keep your morning breath away from me' when i mentioned my desire to get one of those horrific hardee's prime rib burger things. yes, the commercial talked me into it, plus i love steak. one problem, the local restaurant was smack in the middle of the flooding, so no go. we located the nearest one & road trip! it was actually pretty fun, just to drive out of town, listening to a new cd (the new alkaline trio, which s can't stand because it's too radio-friendly & poppier than their usual stuff) & talking with my sweetie. the rest of the afternoon was spent quite lazily. i flipped through some books/mags while s played a game & we listened to a podcast. man, do i love my weekends.

oh, but my landlord stopped me & asked about the noise because the jerk of an upstairs neighbor is having trouble getting a new lease. or maybe my landlord is having trouble finding someone to sign for the place. either way, i am not pleased about this. he told me 2 months ago, the guy was out. i will be writing up a complaint every time it is loud & if have to i will call the noisy tenant & then call the landlord, even it's 3am. why should he get to sleep if i don't? i really hate the idea of moving after living here 6 years, but i can't go another year the way it has been these past twelve months. *sigh* it never ends.

i'm ever so cumorous

apparently this fantastic new word is an amalgamation of cute and humorous. on his way out from my apartment last night, s ended up combining those words. we had lasagna at my place while watching little britain: live, then he took me downtown to coldstone. i tried & decided on the blueberry muffin batter with pecans (like banana-nut or cranberry walnut muffins-it was tasty!) and he had cake batter with brownie & cookie dough mix-ins. it was a fun night. and my friend h agrees that cumorous is the word for me, now that she knows that word.
tomorrow i start my online class in medical coding. it's only 6 weeks-twelve lessons, but i wonder how difficult it’s actually going to be. people spend 18 months, at least to get a degree in coding. this will only be for a “certificate”, but i'm hoping that it’ll be a nice bump on my résumé since i'm in the market for a job in the insurance claims/billing department. is it so wrong that i want to work closer to home? (yeah, yeah, my 30 minute walking commute would be cut in half, poor baby) there’s not much option besides staying in the university system because i cannot give up a job with benefits this good. (my every <2 month infusions cost around $5000 a pop, so i can’t exactly lose or risk changing my insurance. i only have to make a $10 co-pay on them & i know people who have to pay $400 or more each session.) if i went to the business office, i'd be taking a slight pay cut to start because of a change in job titles, but if it was something i liked better & stayed in that position would end up with a higher salary in the long run. maybe the pros outweigh the cons. i need to get out of here before i get a lateral promotion with no recognition & more stress/responsibility that i have no desire to take on when my coworker graduates from nursing school next spring.
the problem is, i just don’t know what i want to do when i grow up. even on the off chance i get this book published & start writing the second one, i don’t see it as a full-time occupation. partly because of the insurance thing & also because i can’t see it as a ‘steady’ income.
wait, what happened to me being cute & humorous? when did this turn into a whinging session? i had a pretty fantastic & relaxing weekend, besides devouring a teen vampire novel, working overtime, hitting the farmer’s market, got to spend plenty of time with s when he was home in the evenings after drill. we even went to a concert on saturday. and on friday night before falling asleep we talked for about an hour & he wanted to know if he treated me okay. he should have asked that after covering me in silly string on sunday night when i walked in the door to his apartment. it's getting there. after all, how can he resist someone as cumorous as i am?

fondly

yesterday i came home to a letter in the mail. it really made my day! last week i had written to s’s cute little g-ma in st paul asking for a recipe & she wrote back the sweetest note. just like my gran, she had never actually written the recipe down before. and besides sending me a recipe card for the pasta (plus a diagram on how to roll it out properly!), she also sent the recipe for her marinara sauce. i may not be a part of the family, but i'm so happy she was willing to share it. my gran had the best buns in the world; it was a running gag about my grandma’s buns. and we will never be able to replicate that recipe. before she passed away over a year ago, she had tried to write it down for me, but it was so much by feel more than anything else. and i've never been able to make yeast breads with any kind of consistency. maybe it’s time to try again.
it all just makes me miss my grandma j beyond belief. last night when i got home & read the letter, i burst into tears thinking about how we used to write & would chat about our baseball games (i'm inexplicably a cubs fan, while my gran followed the braves & mary ann loves her twins). mary ann wrote about how her twins were doing well this season & how she’s suffering from a little case of gout & she’ll be traveling to moorhead next week and worried about her garden while she’s going to be gone. it was such a grandma letter, almost verbatim what my grandma always wrote. it's not as though she could ever be a substitute for my grandmothers, but it makes me want to be a part of s’s family (even the crazy part & his not-crazy mother, who is sweet but makes me feel intimidated sometimes because of her protecting her baby boy). of course, this is all a pipe dream, but meh, that’s what dreams are, right?

yesterday before i got home, i had broken out the ol’ iPod nano & was shuffling through songs. one i hadn’t heard in ages, but always loved was bebo norman’s “i'm alright”. not sure why i had neglected it so long, but the lyrics always seem to fit.

i've got a little hope in my pocket, i want to share a bit with you
just be careful that you don't drop it, but don't worry if you do
'cause i got broken down inside me, and i might just need some help
but i will get by

and i've got demons in my history, got bone beneath my skin
but i've been taken by a mystery, yes, i've been taken in
and sometimes voices down inside me try to fight me for myself
i will get by

what have i got to live for
if there's nothing beating in my chest
what have i got to live for
when this world starts turning, it's burning me up
i'm alright

i used to think love was just a barter, second hand coincidence
what doesn't kill you just makes you harder, so i used my common sense
keeping cold to keep my distance, ‘til you took my pride away
now i will get by

i am not afraid, no, i am not afraid
and i will not go crazy here

i've got a little hope here in my pocket, i want to share a bit with you
so just be careful that you don't drop it, but don't worry if you do
'cause i got voices down inside me, and i might just need some help
i will get by

what have i got to live for
if there's nothing beating in my chest
what have i got to live for
when this world starts turning, burning me up
when my heart is hurting, i'm learning the rough
when this world starts turning, it's burning me up
i'm alright

wedding burn

no, nobody got left at the altar yesterday. the title is just in reference to the fact that the two redheaded bridesmaids got a bit pink after spending the day taking pictures (scheduled from 10.45am to 3.45pm! before the 4.30 ceremony! with hair appt at 8am!). actually it didn't look so bad & the tops of my shoulders had a somewhat pink-ish tinge and the freckles were a-poppin' out in full force, but then as the evening progressed, my twin started getting pinker & pinker and we realized that i had a distinct line if my strapless dress slipped down a bit in front or back.
eventually we were standing up at the altar (i was in the first couple to go down the aisle & the last one to leave, meaning i had to stand up there the longest, argh!) my knees shook a little, but i was so proud of mandy & tom. i hope i can find a love like that. i mean, i thought i had.
after the ceremony, the bride's brother & the best man kidnapped the wedding party & we made a dash into town to one of the local bars for a quick drink. the bartender, surprised by a wedding on a monday, benevolently gave us all shots (scooby snacks! plus jager bomb for tom) and beers. 9 shots & 8 beers for $22.
back at the reception dinner we had some good eats-roast beast, salad, chicken cordon bleu, roasted potatoes and green beans. then the dancing started. luckily by then i'd had enough to drink so i joined in with the rest of the bridal party for the chicken dance followed by the hokey pokey.
it started to get much too hot & feverish as the evening progressed. after pouring buckets of rain & having the news from the twin cities here to document the flooding from saturday/sunday, the weather was perfect for the wedding and it turned out beautifully. i'm so happy for mandy & tom and honoured that they included me in their special day.
i love you guys.

don't get your hopes up

that statement seems so apropos for quite a few things right now. the whole situation with s (he came over for dinner at my place last night & we had dinner on thursday, friday & saturday-leftovers from friday. fri/sat were at his suggestion & he's started to initiate a friendly kiss, not just on the cheek. i don't want to hold out any hope for what that means; i'm just going to enjoy & not question it).
whew! that was a long parenthetical!
other things not to get too high of hopes: the wedding this weekend. not that i don't think it'll be a great event, but the only people i care about seeing that much are the bride & groom & my mom. no offense to everyone else, but it's a lot of stress to put on a brave face for people who are bound to ask me about my status. that's what wedding's are for, right? making people uncomfortable? i'm so eloping if it ever comes to it.
and speaking of my status, i guess i could just segue into my book when people ask me what i'm doing. then again, if i do that, they'll ask if i have a publisher. i know i do have a captive, age-appropriate audience (a coworker's 2 daughters) eager to read it, but the whole process of getting this (as yet untitled) book published is going to drag out, if it ever happens at all.
really, this isn't a moody post, even if the ending felt like it. i'm pretty content. things could always be better, but i'm fairly solid where i am right now.

25k pyramid

i'm done! i finished writing my bip!
at least the story part is finished. i still have mucho revision to do, but i can't believe i did it. i wrote a book. whoa!
now comes the hard part, as suzanne pointed out.

sleeping alone

yesterday i was so tired at the end of the day because of the infusion on wednesday. s called in the afternoon to ask a question & i asked if i could take a nap on his cushy bed right after work, before he went out gaming. sure, come right on over. i think i made the walk home the fastest i ever have without actually running. when i got there, he told me to lay down, so i cuddled into the soft, dark bliss of his mattress. a relaxing 25 minutes later i got up because he planned to leave at 6. instead he told me i could stay & offered me back his extra key. over a month ago he asked for it back because his mom needed to use it. i gladly took it.
yesterday he'd taken a 'mental health day' from work & when he told me i was struck by how much he needed someone there. i came back about 9.30pm and he was already home. i asked if i could stay for the night, just to sleep. yes, of course. when he finally came in to bed, i told him that i got the feeling he needed someone to hold him. he agreed.
i really hope he slept well last night. i know i did.

edit~last friday we had a really intense talk in which s explained that he has told me more than anyone else about what's going on in his life, emotionally, more than his best friend or his therapist even. tears were shed on both sides. i wish there was something more i could do to help him, but i can only be here, just like he's here for me whenever i need him.

happy anniversary!

today is the one year anniversary of our first date.
this is definitely the longest relationship i've ever had. and thus far, it's been pretty amazing.
i love you, baby.