the party don't stop

The pity party, that is. Harhar!
The stress from S's unemployment dispute being denied (and hoping in some small, traitorous way that he won't appeal the decision, therefore having to go to court and extending my stress, not to mention his) is causing me to end up going out of remission or forming an ulcer. Yay, for more steroids to cure me (& plump me up)! Just as I'd lost a pound or two.
But all is not lost, at least not entirely. Home life in general is fairly decent, S's mom is turning 60 next week and we're having a big celebration for her on Sunday, we got to see my darling baby neice 3 weeks ago and she's cuter than ever (very proud Auntie Em here), getting an awesome Lush package (thanks Suzanne!) and our little fur baby, Grover, turned 2 on the 23rd. That little monster is one of the best things to happen to either of us. Unfortunately, he was a sick doggie on his b-day and we had to pick up some puppy probiotics (go figure!) on the day. He was much improved by the weekend & demolished his new loofah dog from grandma & grandpa.
Another encouraging event, not that I'm the marriage-hungry type, is that S has changed from saying "if we get married" to "when we get married" in the rare conversation. Not that I feel 32, but it's creeping up on me. And it saddens me little sad to say that occasionally looking at wedding stuff online is a little exciting. I've never been that girl, don't really want to be, but I think I would love to have a classy, intimate ceremony and a big reception afterwards. Guess I'm something of a girly-girl deep down after all.

always more fun

This getting back on track stuff is hard. I really thought I'd be able to keep up with blogging. That was a good one and it lasted about as long as the average New Year's resolution. Good thing I forgot to make any this year.
At least I'm still going to the gym 5-6 days/week. But I started that trend back in August, so now it's one of those good habits, like making your bed for 2 solid weeks so that it becomes second nature.
Anyroad, enough with the ramble. The whole point of posting again is to whine about recent life. As that seems to be the whole point of my blog at all.
Two weeks ago, S's dad started his radiation and chemo. 2 and a half weeks ago S got fired. Since we were technically DINKs (double income, no kids), does that make us OINKs now? Lots of fun there, what with a mortgage and all. Hopefully some unemployment will come through and we have a little bit of money to tide us to supplement my salary. I may get into more details later. After all, this is my 301st post in 6 years. In for a penny, in for a pound, right?

new year, new you?

Not really new me. Just more of me. I've apparently put on 20lbs in the last 2 years. This would be since I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, but the meds are supposed to keep any weight gain in check. Of course, then there's the moving in with S, plus even more settling in since we bought the house 10 months ago. Not to mention I've been on prednisone for 2 months.
Despite getting my ever-expanding behind to the gym 3 to 5 times every week, I seem to have a problem. I'm going to have to step it up even more in the minutiae that is calorie counting because I am seriously failing at something. And I'm pretty sure it's not that I now belong to a gym. Never in my life have I been a runner, but I actually enjoy the treadmill (to an extent). Maybe it's because I did a 5k in a decent time and didn't explode. Admittedly, it wasn't 100% running, but even 5 minutes at a stretch with intervals of jogging is impressive for me who couldn't finish the mile back in hs in the time required. In fact, I would totally go to the gym twice a day if work didn't hinder me. Mayhap the lottery pool at work will allow me to ramp up my gym activity. (Come on, big money!)
In one week, I should be done with the steroids. *fingers crossed* Hoping there will be no symptoms that lead me to have to start back on them. Maybe then I'll be able to dig in and at least lose 5lbs by my birthday on the 1st. Even 10% of my body weight at this point is a low goal. But I do have a workout buddy & that is some motivation. I always hated the thought of someone seeing me in all my red, sweaty glory, but the high from the workout has diminished my vanity to some extent. Perhaps I'm less concerned in my old age.
So this is my non-resolution, new year's resolution. Get healthy, stay healthy and encourage those around me to be healthy.

while we were away

So I didn't think anyone would actually notice my absence all that much since BlogHer. But apparently I have been missed. The reasoning behind my silence is the result of numerous things. After I got back from an amazing time in NYC, I joined the new rec center (first ever gym membership for me!) because of the employee incentive of it costing $12.50/month if you go just once a week. We've also been dealing with a plethora of renovation stuff. After almost 4 months of waiting, and sending back a sliding glass door that was incorrectly ordered by the association contractors, we finally had a new deck door in October. With that they had to rip up our kitchen floor because of rotting underneath where the door leaked. Over a month of splinters and walking on plywood, we currently have Durock down waiting on tiling to be completed.
And here's where things get to the bad and the ugly. S's dad is a contractor, who planned to help us. He put down travertine in the half bath and started patching the walls in there over Thanksgiving, but he'd been feeling sick. Two weeks ago Thursday he turned yellow, painless jaundice, and went into acute care that Friday morning. A CT scan showed a mass in his pancreas, he refused to be admitted because his wife was sick and opted to be seen in the clinic where I work that Monday. Pancreatic adenocarcinoma. The size of the mass (3cm) meant it had probably been growing for 2 years. I scheduled him for the necessary procedures with the best docs on Wednesday and Thursday. Spent Wednesday afternoon with S's mom while he was in the procedure. Two days ago they saw the surgical oncologist and Friday they see the rad oncology doctor. From the biopsies they believe he's a good surgical candidate for resection, but they want to use chemo and radiation to try to shrink the tumor as much as possible before they go in to remove it. At the very least the biopsies came back clear that the cancer had not metastasized to his liver.
Pancreatic cancer has something like a 3% survival rate and S's dad is only 60. He's an extremely large presence in all of our lives. My parents live 800 miles away and because S's parents live on the other side of town, they have become my family these past 4 years. Right now all we can do is take it one day at a time and whatever the experts recommend.

some things, recently

s is the best. yes, indeedy. despite the many times (each day) i want to smack him for tapping his foot or my leg or any other repetitive motion, he is the bestest. earlier this week, when i did my taxes (yes, i filed my taxes on mlk day), i mentioned that i wasn't so sure how the whole blogher thing was going to fit in our budget, what with the whole buying a house business and whatnot.

he looked at me, quite sincerely, and said, "we'll make it work out somehow because you had so much fun this summer meeting people and it made you so happy."

is that not the sweetest thing? and having done my taxes, i have enough money from my refund to pay the registration fee and take care of my car tags (almost $200!!! why is it so expensive? i drive a frickin' toyota! a2005 camry is not a luxury car by any stretch. nor was my 2001 passat george and that was maybe $10 cheaper. ouch!) with a tiny bit left over for a rainy day emergency. that was exciting news on monday night and i was looking forward to an extended stay in nyc longer than a layover.

but now i'm still a little up in the air about being able to go because even more shiz is going down on this whole house thing. friday we were supposed to have the financing in place according to our offer to the seller and the bank was aware. all day i was giving myself an ulcer waiting to hear from the loan officer, getting calls & e-mails from our realtor asking if i'd heard anything yet because the clock was ticking down. all for naught (not?), right? oh no, the underwriters didn't sign off on it because we are short $$$ for the closing costs. you know, the closing that isn't happening for another month! between us we'll be getting 3 more paychecks from now to then. and guess how much we're short? oh, the exact amount of my tax refund. how serendipitous!
so that's all fine and dandy, but they still won't approve the financing until it's in the account. the realtor has me sign an extension request for 1 week to get the financing finalized. 1 lousy week, just until next friday. and my loan officer is best buds with the seller's realtor, so he's like no problem, he'll understand and everything'll be copacetic.

nope, the seller is still freaking out as far as i know and hasn't signed the extension because he has less than 5 weeks until he closes on the other house he's buying. actually, he's closing the same day we're closing. so despite his realtor explaining that this is a minor glitch (the money will be there next week one way or the other because my parents will either wire it to us until my refund comes back or the refund should be in the bank next week anyway) and things like this happen on occasion. if he backs out now, we're screwed and there's no way in h-e-double hockey sticks he's going to find another buyer willing to pay the same amount and get financing in place in less than 5 weeks. the place was on the market for over 2 months and no one nibbled until we looked at it and eventually made an offer a month after our first showing.
this morning we had to head over to coldwell to sign a revised statement saying that the financing is only contingent on the closing costs, which will be in place this week, and now we have to wait to hear if the seller's agent can talk him into agreeing and signing our week extension. hopefully he'll call by this afternoon to say things are back on track and we can wait until the bank gets its act together and comes through with the money.

and i haven't even mentioned the fact that the week before last my doctor diagnosed me with hypothyroidism, my fave coworker accepted a nursing position at the other hospital, our clinic administrator is retiring the same day coworker is leaving, s's old unit is being deployed again to iraq and tomorrow is his official last day in the military so i have to bake brownies, my/pioneer woman's sweet potatoes and make peaches & cream salad for the party. whew! guess i'll save something for another day because the monster needs to go out now.

leper?

a few months ago, i noticed this rash on my left elbow crease. sometimes it was itchy & red and other times it would disappear. then a little over a month ago, i saw it was on both elbows. then it migrated to the backs of my knees, almost like i pushed too hard and gave myself razor burn. you know how that stings?
oh yeah, and the other embarrassing thing is that the top of my bum has also been dry & splotchy for about that same period of time.
so now, in addition to all those locations, it's itchy and painfully red at my armpits. not really the pits, but the back part of my arm & also just to the side of where the bra strap goes.
last week i made an appointment with the dermatologist, but it was for september 21. i asked to be placed on the cancellation list & they called me friday just before 5pm with an opening for monday morning. after talking with both my rheumatologist & gastroenterologist, they don't think it's anything to do with my gi or arthritis stuff. the problem is, i think it's exacerbated after my remicade infusions. i no longer break out in hives while i'm infusing, but this rash seems to show up in more places after i infuse.
last night i asked s to apply calamine to the afflicted areas & asked him what his rash was when we met 3 years ago. as i asked i remembered.
"oh yeah, you had nickelitis from the change in your pockets, right?"
"yep, that's what it was & also behind my ears from my metal glasses," he replied.
"well, i haven't been rubbing change behind my armpits. and despite it being called a coinslot, i haven't been keeping change in my &$$ crack, so i doubt that's what it is," i told him.
he busted up & agreed. we finally settled on leprosy. i'm not melodramatic or anything.

fall down, go boom

and there i went awol again in the same month as blogher. man, i suck! what excuses this time? well, s has been as good as living here and the puppy monster has been running us ragged. his cuteness far exceeds the drawbacks, though i have barely been able to get any kind of writing in the past 2 months. (don't ask if i mean s or grover.)
about the falling downness: on friday at work, the clinic administrator took us all aside and informed us that, although we had survived the first round of layoffs, the hospital planned to cut salaries across the board by 2%. hey, at least we still have jobs. and i figured out from my salary and my annual hours that i'm only losing $.33/hour. i'm not gonna argue with that versus losing some kick-arse coworkers. (simply because we wouldn't be the ones choosing who goes, so i'll put up with the barely tolerable ones if i have to. or if i am one of them.)
then on saturday, s & i went to a wedding. the ceremony itself (including processional/recessional) was a whole 12 minutes. at the reception at the country club we had a seating chart, which was my first experience with that formality. it turned out to be a pretty awesome match up for all involved, though. the one flaw with the evening was that an extra chair was randomly placed at our table while we were up getting hors d'oeuvres. i sat one chair off from my original seat and in an attempt to correct the error i was in the process of scooting my butt to the one to the right. s also thought to correct the extraneous chair by pulling it away from the table, right out from under me. in front of the entire table, i fell down and crashed to the floor. fall down, go boom. i have 2 parallel bruises on my right leg, one on my thigh and the other on my shin.
and finally, the boom. s, as i'd mentioned above, has basically been staying here for the past 4 weeks if not longer. there was a falling out with one of his whiny, baby roommates (recall, if you will, that they have all recently turned 21 or are younger & s will be 26 in september) who is now refusing to pay his share of the heat/electric that is under s's name. beyond that, s was supposed to have a place to live, but when he went to dinner with the 2 current roommates (4 people total, 2 of whom were staying & 2 new people coming in) on the 5th, the guy freaked out because s went to hs with & knew his ex-gf only as a passing acquaintance. to say it was a bad breakup is an understatement. the girl apparently took out a restraining order on him & he goes into a month-long depression every year at the time of the breakup. thus, after much discussion, s will be moving into my apartment. we'll be getting a storage space because when someone has lived in a 1 bedroom apartment for the past 7 years as i have, one tends to accumulate a great deal of stuff. not to mention that last year s lived by himself in a 2 bedroom before this house fiasco. we haven't killed each other yet, despite the close quarters this past month & i'm making room for some of his "junk" to replace my "junk". i know that "they" recommend you don't move into a place that someone else already lives in for fear of being territorial, but it should be fine with an adjustment period.
i guess s will have all of the weekend after next to get cozy while i'm at blogher. hopefully, we'll have everything situated by that point & i'll be able to get my groove on with all the cool blogesses out there in blogland! wooo! can't wait!

worries

i realize i've been missing in action lately. part of it can be explained by the increased attention to grover. another issue is that in the past couple of weeks i've been having some blurry vision. some of that could be a result of my colitis. eye inflammation or problems can originate with other inflammatory conditions. i have an appointment with my eye doc on monday. it's not particularly fun & can be somewhat scary. computer eye strain, since i sit in front of a screen all day at work, doesn't seem to be helpful in easing the blurs and floaters when they appear either.
though considering that the hospital is announcing that its 130 layoffs will start today & tomorrow (need to cut $45 million from the budget) maybe i don't need to worry about sitting in front of my work computer anymore. i'm merely a 'support' position, not a healthcare provider & after all, they say they are trying to avoid reducing quality healthcare. we shall see.

sore bum

poor little grover has a sore bum. took him to the vet this morning to get his rabies shot (it's 12 weeks & he's 11 weeks, 5 days) & he got his 3rd booster for distemper, i think. boy did he yelp when dr. y gave him the first injection, then cowered over to cuddle into me. then he turned him around and poked him in the other side & he howled some more. so he's all drowsy & tender in the rear when i pick him up. luckily, i don't have to pick him up too much anymore. in the past 2 weeks, he's progressed so much, it's incredible! when we first got grover, he was none too stable on his feet and weaved around like a tiny drunk. barely able to climb over the lip on his crate. last weekend we picked up a playpen to go around his crate & the edge is easily 3" high; now he can hop right over it like a furry hurdler.
yesterday i taught him up, which is the most adorable thing ever! i showed s this morning & he almost died it was so cute.
motherhood is grand!
speaking of motherhood, i get to meet up with the fun & talented suzanne of cuss tonight for an impromptu party for her sister's newborn, who wasn't supposed to arrive until june. can't wait!

blarg!

so this has apparently turned into a whiny, medical blog. if and when i deign to post. it really feels like there's not much going on, even though there occasionally is. work is sapping my energy, so that i barely feel like functioning or doing anything when i get home. i'm lucky if i get around to picking up my dirty laundry & putting it in the new hamper i bought last month to replace the one i'd had since i was 10.
last monday i went to the gi doctor for a 6 month check-up because his nurse had called to tell me it was time. when i got there both the doc & the nurse asked what i was being seen for/why i came into the clinic. uh, you tell me? i only set up the appointment because i was told it was time & i figured it'd be good to discuss the weird lab results from the rheumatologist.
okay, so i hopped up on the table, he taps my belly & listens with the stethoscope, tells me he thinks i should continue on the remicade infusions since it doesn't seem i've developed any antibodies to it.
wait! but i do have an allergic reaction, which is why dr. f at the cancer center only lets me infuse at 60 (mg/mL- i think that's the right measurement).
at that comment dr. t looks at me like that's the first time he's ever heard that. so apparently, dr. f doesn't dictate anything about my every 7 week visit or when i had an allergic reaction to the freakin' benadryl or breaking out in hives when they sped up the infusion on 4 separate occasions, which is why they no longer go above 60. not to mention the fact that i had told him myself when i was feeling so sick all of last september & they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. he just shrugged & said that there didn't seem to be any reason to stop the remicade.
then he told me the good news. oh happy day. because i've had colitis for 10 years (diagnosed in june of 1999), i'm due for a colonoscopy. after 10 years, people have an insanely higher risk of colon cancer (something like 50 or 60%, i'll have to look it up because i can't remember the exact number). i've had my share of flexible sigmoidoscopies over the years, i think 6, but never a full colonoscopy. and after having a sedated flex sig when i was in the hospital in september 2007, i am never going to get another unsedated one. they are extremely painful in comparison. not that they usually do unsedated colonoscopies. at least at mercy, unlike the gi clinic where i work, they only use half-lytely instead of the whole gallon bowel prep.
i scheduled it for september because there's so much going on in the next few months: at work, blogher, s moving, my brother's wedding, possibly getting a puppy in that timeframe (squeee!!) probably should just get it over & done with, but there's no real rush.
what a thing to look forward to in the very near future. lucky me!

square one

and there's apparently nothing wrong with me. oh yes, my ana is completely totally high (see previous: normal is 1:40 & mine was 1:1280), but apparently it isn't a result of lupus or thyroid disease because my histone antibodies are normal and my thyroid labs are also on par. so, what is wrong with me? doctor says she doesn't know (and i quote: "it's a puzzle"), but wants to keep an eye on my thyroid labs at my next appointment on june 1. i see my gi doctor next monday, so we'll have to see what he says. of course, when i told him about the pain in my joints he told me it wasn't his issue and to see my regular doctor or a rheumatologist.
also, re: my subject, i totally loved that show when i was a kid.

nothing like warm pee in the afternoon

on wednesday, i had the pleasure of running over to the other side of the hospital on my lunch break. had to give a little sample for the rheumatologist i saw on the 23rd. luckily there was no venipuncture involved (i'd gotten that part out of the way on the day of-only 4 days after i'd donated blood, so i had a pre-poked vein all ready for them). i moseyed over to the lab after checking in & dutifully took my newly labeled urine specimen cup. i always get a chuckle over reading the directions in the bathroom. "women: remove pants..." men are never told that crucial step. are women really so stupid that they don't know to remove their pants? seriously.
business done without any drips & i place the practically steaming cup (who knew body temperature was so high?) in the little metal door... right next to someone else's dark (ugh!) yellow specimen. i kindly mentioned that my cup had company in the little closet when i walked out past the lab techs.
today in the mail i received a copy of the transcription from my rheum appt & also the lab results. um, apparently my ana (normal is <1:40) is a bit high. read that as 1:1280. apparently my thyroid is off, underfunctioning a bit. not enough, or long enough, for me to gain any weight, so i don't know if it's been happening for long. i know that people with hyperactive thyroid tend to metabolize faster & lose weight more readily than others, so the opposite should be true to underactive thyroid. if nothing else, i've lost 3 lbs since catching a monster cold this weekend.
now with these results, i don't know if the doc will even want me to get my remicade infusion tomorrow. the doctor who administers it is not my actual gi doc, so i won't know what's what until i check in & see him tomorrow. since my abnormal labs could be the result of drug-induced lupus, maybe stopping the remicade is the best bet, but i don't want to suffer through more joint pain until i introduce another drug. conundrum!

aches again

so, yet again i'm at that point where simply sitting in one spot hurts. there is no position that is comfortable. either my knee or my hip aches, more like screams. yesterday & part of today it was the inability to move my neck. most of today i had a headache and i never have headaches, maybe once every 3 months. (please don't hate me, those of you for whom headaches are a daily trial.)
on monday i went to see a rheumatologist to see what was up with my joint pain. she spent over an hour in the exam room with me, getting my history & manipulating various body parts to see what was causing the problems. of course on monday things weren't so severe, a little twinge in my shoulder.

her diagnosis: arthralgia.

literally, joint pain. seems like a copout diagnosis, since none of my joints were swollen when she saw me. that was not the case when i saw the internist last year on my birthday. i was closer to tears than not & he wanted to give me steroid injections in all my major joints then & there.
dr. s thinks i probably built up antibodies to the remicade infusions & that the joint pain is my colitis manifesting itself in ways other than digestive disturbances. she told me i need to take sulfasalazine two pills twice a day, along with the remicade infusion every 7 to 8 weeks. then, i'm supposed to see her back on june 1st. if things haven't improved, she wants to discuss humira injections (every 2 weeks), instead of the remicade with my gastroenterologist. all the drugs for my autoimmune condition were originally used for arthritis, so it just depends on what my insurance will cover. on one hand, i won't have to take a day off from work to sit with an iv-needle in my arm. on the other, i (or possibly s because i asked if he would do it for me) would have to give myself an injection, at home, every two weeks. guess it's less than a diabetic who needs to inject insulin daily, if i want to look on the bright side.
for now, i just want something to take away the pain i feel on a daily basis. but i'm not going to ask for painkillers. i don't like taking aspirin and i do not intend to be labeled a drug-seeking patient. we get plenty of those who 'need another refill on narcotics' in the clinic & i know how the nurses & doctors treat those people. right now i really feel for them, the ones who are truly in pain, because i completely understand their need to get by & simply function.

today is a new day

today i had a meeting, via work, with a health coach, to help me be more accountable with my life and stuff. in the past year, since the arthritis hit me hard, i've had an incredibly difficult time with keeping up on exercise and eating right has never been much of a priority. i'm not technically overweight (depends on the fluctuation within a pound or two) according to my bmi, but i'd prefer to be more in the midrange than threatening to teeter over the edge with a single macaroon. this is difficult with the pain in my joints that can start at any time before & after my infusions. but i intend to get a referral from one of the docs in the clinic where i work & see a rheumatologist to see if physical therapy is the appropriate step or what kind of exercises (swimming, i know!) are best for my circumstances.
i am also completely addicted to the food network. i'm not sure this is a detriment to my goal about eats. not that man vs. food is truly tempting me to go eat 15 dozen oysters or the world's largest donut (i wouldn't mind a bite).
it is going to be quite difficult to remain accountable with s, especially when my suggestion of salmon, asparagus & cottage fries (i know, but i need my starch!) was met with "let's have calzones! i'm buying!" okay, so i crumbled already, but at least i had spinach & mushrooms on mine. i'm planning to do a workout in front of the telly & possibly some extracurricular activities.
besides the health/eating/exercise issues, i need to rein in the procrastination. one of my short term (two weeks) goals before my next appointment with the health coach is to finish writing an article for a children's magazine. obviously with a two week timeframe, i'm not aiming for actually being published, but at the least i want something i will submit for consideration. and not chicken out about the rejection factor.
so wish me luck (or please, nag/ask/encourage). here's hoping that 30 is the best year yet!

just shoot me

my shoulders hurt from the arthritis and it's only been 2 1/2 weeks since my last infusion. next one scheduled for january 22. makes things difficult to do anything in daily life. it set me off to tears this evening. not sobs or anything, just the rolling down your face kind. and i asked s if he'd shoot me, if i went on humira injections. i imagine it's difficult to poke the needle into your own arm (though i 'spose i could ask diabetics with their daily insulin). i don't think i'd want to do it myself every time. and he said, of course he would.
all these drugs for my colitis are originally intended for rheumatoid arthritis, which seems to be my current existing issue. all the gi symptoms have pretty much been in remission for most of the past year. and the remicade doesn't seem to be lasting as long as it's supposed to, the 6-8 weeks between infusions. humira is only weekly or every other week with the injection you can do yourself. it's an option that i need to discuss with my physician(s).
i realize the ups & downs we've had, but i love s so much for being understanding of my medical condition. he told me i'm wonderful & i returned the compliment. he also said we have a pretty symbiotic relationship, don't we? you need me & i need you. i like to think more that we complement each other because i can be completely myself with him. it feels wonderful to not hide any facet or be embarrassed about your flaws. he's always telling me how beautiful i am, how smart, how sexy, how lucky he is.
i'm a lucky girl.
merry christmas to me!
(and you too!)

thankful

it's been a while since i last posted. things have been a bit rough, joint-wise. apparently after girls' night out (sushi! wine! dresses!) the ol' arthritis started kickin' in. or rather beating me to a pulp. and my next infusion isn't until wednesday, but i'm getting by with the medication from the gp & it seems to at least let me get around without shrieking at my every step.
anyroad, this is a post in honour of thanksgiving. i was lucky enough to spend my second year at the 'in-laws'. weeks ago i offered to bring sweet potatoes because it's one of my must-haves at both christmas & thanksgiving. last year, i was thwarted as they only had a basket of baked yams on the table. so i rounded up a recipe from the pioneer woman that went over like hotcakes. pecan-crusted sweet potatoes. in fact, i got so much attention that it made me blush. and that was just my first attempt at the recipe. guess it'll have to become a regular feature & i can even make it for my fam (except dad) at christmas.
hope you & yours had a wonderful thanksgiving. i've so much to be thankful for: steady job, great benefits, fantastic friends, amazing family & 'in-laws' & last but not least, s.
now i'm going to avoid anything to do with consumerism & retail that is black friday.

noodle arms

yesterday i finally decided to start the one hundred push-up challenge. i'd read about it a couple months ago, but that was when i was feeling like dirt and could barely move when i got home from work.
you begin by testing your fitness level, so you know where to start and i managed to do 20 push-ups before my arms gave out. yay! that means i start at level 3 and you only have to do the program 3 days a week for six weeks and you should be able to do 100 by the end of that time. this is good on numerous levels, besides toning your upper body, arms and core, as i understand it, your bone density is improved by doing push-ups. this is especially beneficial to women who may be experiencing bone loss due to a deficiency in calcium.
my problem is that i decided to overdo it. a few hours after i tested myself on the push-ups i went ahead and did my regular, piddly little tv workout, which includes doing some arm work with my 5lb weights. only about 15-20 minutes total, but by the time i went to bed i could feel the pain in my arms. oh yeah, i can barely move my shoulders and elbows today without cringing. guess that tells me it's about time i get in shape. i do have to wear another strapless bridesmaid's dress next year. why not start now?

mute

on thursday night i went to bed with a scratchy throat. just in time for the weekend, what a perfect time to get sick! well, i couldn't talk on saturday, but s & i went out for a nice dinner. turned out to be an overpriced place, but he had a gift certificate from someone for his efforts with the flood in june. my salmon tasted fantastic, though & i gladly shared with s. twenty minutes later, upon arriving back at the house just in time to feel the effects of food poisoning. (i won't go into gory details, but i lost 3lbs). sunday morning, still scratchy & again on monday, but i went to work hoping that i would be able to avoid the phone since i work in the backroom on mondays. unfortunately, one of my other coworkers called in sick, so i ended up having to use my much depleted voice more than anticipated. this was not beneficial in any way & it hurt to swallow my own saliva due to a lump that had taken up residence in the left side of my throat. and because of a complete lack of appetite, i skipped my lunch & left at 4. s & i had grilled cheese & tuscan tomato soup courtesy of bread garden. (i made the grilled cheese, but purchased the ingredients there.)
at his invitation, i joined s at the house to sleep after knocking back an aperitif of nyquil cough. we chilled in his room watching tv & he repeatedly informed me that i wasn't going to work in the morning. i said/croaked we'll see how i feel in the morning. i also had a delightful cough going for me, not phlegmy but not dry. well, the nyquil dried that out, so throughout the night i woke to bark/cough.
a steamy hot shower at 6am didn't do much to alleviate my symptoms, which now included a swollen right eye (i think the coughing traumatized my eyeballs), cough and no voice. when my alarm went off at quarter to 7, i nudged s & dialed in my boss's number. she didn't answer, so he left a message. then at 8am, when she didn't answer her work line, he called & left a message with another coworker. i really hope the sick one yesterday was there today because we can only afford to have one person off at a time, but i was no use to anyone.
i spent the day surfing the net, flipping channels, napping. i didn't talk until i called s about quarter to five & ask him to bring me some velveeta shells 'n cheese. sounds like something that would slide down smoothly. if i didn't actually have to swallow.
hopefully my voice is back tomorrow. i've skipped enough work in october already (4 days so far).

loss

if surgery could cure what ails you, would you do it? especially if it meant possibly losing more than you gain? can losing a part of your physical body actually be considered a "cure"? and how long does the grief last?
lots of questions causing turmoil and no resolution in sight.
i realize this is the opposite of my post from yesterday. it's not that i'm not happy in certain aspects of my life, but other things constantly try to overshadow any contentment that works its way in. i guess maybe i'm being pessimistic. whenever things seem to be going well, something comes & blows it out of the water. why i still don't expect it after all this time, why i go glibly along during the good times & expect that they'll never end is beyond me.
my decision, and my loss, is basically already made, but that doesn't mean my mind doesn't still waffle back and forth over the supposed options.

needs

some perspective on the situation. it's too close to have an unbiased view, but wants to avoid any judgment by outside parties.
*sigh*
what to do?