always more fun

This getting back on track stuff is hard. I really thought I'd be able to keep up with blogging. That was a good one and it lasted about as long as the average New Year's resolution. Good thing I forgot to make any this year.
At least I'm still going to the gym 5-6 days/week. But I started that trend back in August, so now it's one of those good habits, like making your bed for 2 solid weeks so that it becomes second nature.
Anyroad, enough with the ramble. The whole point of posting again is to whine about recent life. As that seems to be the whole point of my blog at all.
Two weeks ago, S's dad started his radiation and chemo. 2 and a half weeks ago S got fired. Since we were technically DINKs (double income, no kids), does that make us OINKs now? Lots of fun there, what with a mortgage and all. Hopefully some unemployment will come through and we have a little bit of money to tide us to supplement my salary. I may get into more details later. After all, this is my 301st post in 6 years. In for a penny, in for a pound, right?

while we were away

So I didn't think anyone would actually notice my absence all that much since BlogHer. But apparently I have been missed. The reasoning behind my silence is the result of numerous things. After I got back from an amazing time in NYC, I joined the new rec center (first ever gym membership for me!) because of the employee incentive of it costing $12.50/month if you go just once a week. We've also been dealing with a plethora of renovation stuff. After almost 4 months of waiting, and sending back a sliding glass door that was incorrectly ordered by the association contractors, we finally had a new deck door in October. With that they had to rip up our kitchen floor because of rotting underneath where the door leaked. Over a month of splinters and walking on plywood, we currently have Durock down waiting on tiling to be completed.
And here's where things get to the bad and the ugly. S's dad is a contractor, who planned to help us. He put down travertine in the half bath and started patching the walls in there over Thanksgiving, but he'd been feeling sick. Two weeks ago Thursday he turned yellow, painless jaundice, and went into acute care that Friday morning. A CT scan showed a mass in his pancreas, he refused to be admitted because his wife was sick and opted to be seen in the clinic where I work that Monday. Pancreatic adenocarcinoma. The size of the mass (3cm) meant it had probably been growing for 2 years. I scheduled him for the necessary procedures with the best docs on Wednesday and Thursday. Spent Wednesday afternoon with S's mom while he was in the procedure. Two days ago they saw the surgical oncologist and Friday they see the rad oncology doctor. From the biopsies they believe he's a good surgical candidate for resection, but they want to use chemo and radiation to try to shrink the tumor as much as possible before they go in to remove it. At the very least the biopsies came back clear that the cancer had not metastasized to his liver.
Pancreatic cancer has something like a 3% survival rate and S's dad is only 60. He's an extremely large presence in all of our lives. My parents live 800 miles away and because S's parents live on the other side of town, they have become my family these past 4 years. Right now all we can do is take it one day at a time and whatever the experts recommend.

travel-ish

in two weeks i'll already be back from nyc and blogher. new york is a nearly unexplored city for me, so i'm hoping to pack in as much as possible. at the least i want to check out grand central terminal, for some more up-close research on my bip that i haven't worked on in over a year. especially now that my laptop is working again. my only real concern about the trip is getting from lga to manhattan and finding my way around the city the times i'm on my own. oh, and not having enough hours in the day
at the end of september, we're planning to get up to nodak to meet my adorable little niece. i might be comfortable holding her since she'll almost be 3 months old. if nothing else, s loves holding little babies (ones he can give back, not his own!) and i can spoil her rotten. we might even have enough for 2 free flights on delta. amazingly, minot now has more than one airline that flies in, which makes less of an iron grip on getting in and out. international airport, my left big toe! but i can't wait to meet baby sophia!

moving week

not moving emotionally, more physical moving. on monday, we drove back down to iowa from the twin cities after s's g-ma's 85th birthday celebration at a twins' game. it was a huge family affair with almost all of his mom's relatives there. on saturday we had a pool party at one of his aunts' houses and all the aunts, who are notoriously judgemental, asked s's brother when he was going to buy a ring for his gf, who was also there. nice, since s & i have been together twice as long, but hey "when the aunts like someone, they like someone" yay for me!
on tuesday, back at work, getting back from lunch, i find that my phone is gone. not to worry, not my cell phone. i mean my work phone. apparently, while i was gone the dial tone stopped as my coworker was using it. she called telecommunications to see what was going on & they suggested maybe the cord was loose. oh no, apparently even that department doesn't communicate with each other because one of the guys had moved it back to where our new office is. at least we kindof knew that the move was coming some time in the near future and that we wouldn't have much notice. the rest of the day i had a computer, but no phone unless i stretched across to the check-in desk.
about midmorning wednesday, my boss's supervisor came by and we unplugged my computer and everything and else and carried it down the hall to bfe where the new office is located. there will be 4 of us in that room, including my boss who has had her office moved 4 times in the last 5 years because the new doctors need offices.
thursday was great, fully functional and moved in. i felt like i accomplished a great deal of work, even though we're still extremely far behind.
and then, my boss calls on friday morning saying she'll be late because her boyfriend is in the emergency room. in california. okay... she didn't call her own boss until afternoon and i ended up staying over an hour late. at least my bank account will appreciate it.

new title

am officially an auntie! baby sophia was born at 6.03am and weighs 6lbs 8oz and is 19.5 inches long. can't wait to see a picture, even if we won't get to actually see her until probably thanksgiving time if we can get away.
congrats to my brother and sil and my parents, first-time grandparents! yay!

revelation

on sunday, we went out to dinnerr for mother's day with s' family. on the way there, i found out one of the major factors as to why s doesn't want to get married. not that i'm actually in all that much of a rush.
he comes from a big italian catholic family; there are 4 kids and his mom has 6 brothers and sisters. while we driving to the restaurant, he told me that he would not be the first child to get married from his family because that would require huge festivities. for years, i have been saying how i would like to elope and maybe have a good-sized reception shortly thereafter. i've got a pretty big family too, but my brother did the big fancy party, so that gets me out of it. besides, my parents always told me, even when i was fairly young, that they were going to get me a ladder for my wedding. nevermind the cliches about eloping have the bride climbing out the window and the fact that my room was in the basement when i lived at home.
at least now i know what some of qualms about getting married have very little to do with me. and his older brother is in a serious relationship and s said that he would love to have a big wedding, which perhaps means there's something for us in the near/not-so-distant future. that's good because neither of his sisters has ever been in a serious relationship, even the one who's 6 months older than i am. so there is hope for me after all!

home/wedding trip pt iii: the big event

now 2 weeks after the fact i'll get around to posting about my brother's wedding.
saturday saw mom & i headed to the jcpenney salon to get our hair done. it took an hour and 15 minutes for the woman to put up all of my hair. i think it turned out okay.

(that's my old bedroom, by the way)
we were supposed to be at the zoo/park for pictures by 11.30am and i still had to run back to the house to put on my dress and do my makeup. barely made it in time, but at least i wasn't the only late one. i felt awkward because i didn't know any of the girls except from the rehearsal the night before, besides my future s-i-l.
pictures, pictures, then the church. ceremony. as happened at my cousin's wedding (his little boy made the cutest ringbearer), the unity candle went out from the draft in the church. i always wonder if that's a bad omen?
receiving line with bride & groom, so i was accosted by old acquaintances, parents of friends & relatives while we waited for the 250 plus guests to file out. it actually wasn't so bad. i haven't lived there in 10+ years, not really. and as much as i love talking to people (heavy on the sarcasm of course), no one asked me any uncomfortable questions. maybe it was because i brought s home this time. he's the only bf i've ever brought home. then again, he's really the only serious relationship i've ever had (less a from when i started writing this thing).
so we hopped into the limo bus & started cruising the strip, broadway. adult beverages flowed & i got to chatting with one of the groomsmen who was in iraq with my brother. that was pretty cool.
reception was a whirlwind. pasta bar, sit at the wedding party table(s, 2 because there were 16 of us total). i ended up moving to sit with s & the parentals, then chatting with old classmates who are friends of my brother & old family friends. s & i migrated to my aunt & uncle (mom's brother)'s table & after the first dance, we pretty much headed upstairs to the hotel room & crashed by 1am. missed quite a bit of the festivities. no idea who caught the bouquet or any of that.
we ended up driving all the way home after the first couple gifts were opened at the homestead. we got in at about 3am on monday morning & crashed since neither of us had to work that day. it was a really awesome day off with dogpark & other leisurely activities before we had to get back to the real world.
s said he had a fun time, so that made the trip for me.

home/wedding trip pt ii

we left off at wednesday night & safely arriving at my parents' house. i took grover out to pee and play with nikki. nikki is almost 3 and a black lab. my mom likes to joke that she's so open-minded because she has two black grandchildren. a little later in the morning, while s was still sleeping, dad had me get on the trailer and go for a ride with the puppies.


mom made us waffles for brunch and then we had to go get fitted for our dresses. she had hers made by a seamstress who graduated hs the year before me and had just 'eloped' with her bf, who used to be my brother's best friend when they were kids, exactly one week before. my bridesmaid's dress was disgustingly tight, but then i'd ordered a 12. sara managed to get it zipped up (hey, working in theatre, you can get anyone into their costume). she said she'd let it out as much as possible, so i could hopefully breathe.
s & i went to eat a late lunch around 2pm at homesteaders', a place i insisted on eating in hopes that they had their divine wheatberry salad on the salad bar. sadly, all they had was something like glorified rice only with acini de pepe (sic?). it was still tasty & i introduced s to knephla soup. yum!
i'll try to cut this boring stuff short. we hit the mall to look for shorts for s & a supportive undergarment so i could squeeze into the dress. more family time after that, including making bars for the rehearsal dinner the next night.
friday i helped my aunt (pronounced aw-nt, not ant) make her famous beans. s's family calls them calico beans & they flew off the table that night. the giant crockpot was completely empty. s & i went to see 'the time traveler's wife' in the early afternoon to get some alone time. it wasn't too bad, but i don't know how anyone who hadn't read the book to follow the story.
i'll finish up this dull account with the rehearsal and wedding day tomorrow.

home/wedding trip pt i

finally getting around to regaling all 3 of you with our trip to north dakota last weekend.
it all started with my remicade infusion on tuesday. things were going well until i decided to snooze in the chair. i must've pulled the iv when i turned because after 20 minutes, i felt something wet on my shirt. at least insurance pays for it because there was probably over $100 of liquid on my shirt if not more. they had to stop & replace the iv in a different part of my arm, so i didn't finish until 3.30. s was off work by then & he hadn't even packed yet. that stressed me out. then, he wanted to find a cord in our storage unit before we left town. by the time we left iowa city it was 5pm, so we grabbed sonic for the road.
grover was amazingly good in the car and napped on our laps. i realize it's probably not the safest way to travel with a puppy, but he would've cried if we'd locked him in his kennel in the backseat. the drive was fairly uneventful and we decided it would be funny to buy powerball tickets in all 3 states before the next drawing on wednesday the 12th. (that was a total bust.) we arrived at grandma m's house in st paul around 10pm. brought the monster inside along with our stuff and she tells us that she's allergic to dogs.
great, no one bothered to tell us. s's mom, her eldest daughter, didn't say a thing. grandma said it was okay & we headed to the basement to cram ourselves into a twin bed. (there are 2 beds, but that's what we did when we stayed 2 years ago, too)
wednesday morning, i got up at grover's whimpering need to go outside & we took a nice long walk around the block. grandma m has lived in the same place in st paul for over 50 years. the highway is right over the barrier, but it's a cute neighborhood.
the second leg of the trip, we grabbed breakfast on the road and headed for fargo. i had big plans to stop at great harvest bread company where i worked in college. i needed some potato dill bread (great for grilled cheese) and cinnamon chip (awesome french toast!). we got erberts and gerberts subs, then met my friend e who just opened his chiropractic clinic in the last month. we brought the puppy up in the elevator and chatted for a little before driving some more.
the next to last stop was in bismarck to see our friends, t & n. their wedding was the reason we'd stayed at grandma m's 2 years before and i'd barely seen them since they moved back to t's home in bismarck. first we stopped at n's work, then t convinced us to drive over to his parents' to meet his nephew. grover came in to say hello too and get a much needed drink of water.
two more hours on the road (for a total of 11 hours on wednesday). we stopped at the church in minot where my mom & future s-i-l were setting up for the ceremony. we grabbed a pizza on the way home to my parents' house while mom finished decorating & keeping out of the way of my brother's future m-i-l.
at home, my dad and his youngest sister and her husband were there. my aunt & uncle have been staying there as they took the summer off from texas to see their family and travel in their rv.
grover met his cousin nikki and they had a good time playing together. after such a long day, we headed to bed.
i'll finish this up in another post or two. with pictures.

crap!

crap! crap! crap! with all this going to blogher and getting a ready-made roommate, i've neglected to prepare for my brother's wedding on the 15th. i haven't finished his wedding present & it would take 2 weeks from now to get a custom frame made and mat cut for his gift. i haven't broken in the 3-inch heels that go with the bridesmaid's dress i can't zip up completely. until this evening at s's parents' for dinner, it had totally slipped my mind that i might have to give a wedding toast. i hate crowds, specifically speaking in front of large groups, so that'll be awesome. especially since i haven't even started thinking of something to write/say. my car needs some work before we leave on the 11th & i've at least got an appointment for the requisite oil change that's due for tuesday already. but my as yet unnamed car needs some new tires & i thought i could use the awesome employee discount slip from michelin that i picked up at blogher, but no one around here has any michelins in stock. hopefully s's mechanic will be able to get us worked in this week and he can take care of that part.
the apartment is still an unpacked mess & i'd really like to get that remedied before we head out on our 800 mile drive. coming back to a sty isn't in anyone's best interest. hopefully this week i can work through a little bit every day & things will slowly but surely be finished in time for our departure. and i won't forget anything, like the dress before we leave here. i can just see that happening.
the heels are currently crushing my screaming toes. yippee!

water, water everywhere

i guess my parents' house is flooding. last night, mom said that it was predicted to crest with another 3' by tonight & the house could only withstand another 1 1/2' before the basement filled with water. in the 30+ years since my parents' built the house, they've never had water get into the basement. despite the fact that the river is directly across the road from the house, the foundation is built up enough to keep all but the worst flooding out.
my brother is activated with the national guard, so he can't help out much as they're sandbagging other places besides the folks' house down in that area & stationed at the armory 10 miles away. dad is running all over helping other people out, but not bothering about the antique dressers in the basement, the bedroom sets from my grandma's house, etc. as if mom could hoist a full size mattress up the stairs or the dressers on her own. she's already pooped from numerous trips up & down the stairs over the last week, trying to move things as the water threatened. her knees aren't that great to begin with & 100 trips up & down the stairs isn't much fun for the strain.
yesterday my dad was interviewed by the local news about the flooding and my mom had to one-up him by walking to the bridge nearby and running into the nd state governor inspecting the area. they had a nice chat.
my bff of 25 years sent me some pics her mom e-mailed of their place and the bridge near ours. you can see them on my facebook page. we all live within half a mile and then next door is the family business for the past 40 years. good luck selling that now once it's completely flooded.
the last flood i remember in that area was during my junior prom in 1996. almost didn't make it out for the banquet because water was running across the roads. and not that i remember it, but the spring after i was born, in 1979, my folks' had to bring me to my aunt & uncle's place in town rather than stay in the valley. in 2001, my college town flooded and then last summer iowa city. maybe s was right in that he told my mom last night that i'm a jinx.

thankful

it's been a while since i last posted. things have been a bit rough, joint-wise. apparently after girls' night out (sushi! wine! dresses!) the ol' arthritis started kickin' in. or rather beating me to a pulp. and my next infusion isn't until wednesday, but i'm getting by with the medication from the gp & it seems to at least let me get around without shrieking at my every step.
anyroad, this is a post in honour of thanksgiving. i was lucky enough to spend my second year at the 'in-laws'. weeks ago i offered to bring sweet potatoes because it's one of my must-haves at both christmas & thanksgiving. last year, i was thwarted as they only had a basket of baked yams on the table. so i rounded up a recipe from the pioneer woman that went over like hotcakes. pecan-crusted sweet potatoes. in fact, i got so much attention that it made me blush. and that was just my first attempt at the recipe. guess it'll have to become a regular feature & i can even make it for my fam (except dad) at christmas.
hope you & yours had a wonderful thanksgiving. i've so much to be thankful for: steady job, great benefits, fantastic friends, amazing family & 'in-laws' & last but not least, s.
now i'm going to avoid anything to do with consumerism & retail that is black friday.

post-vote high

even though i voted over a month ago, and most of yesterday felt anti-climactic, i am one happy camper. i know that this won't unify people right away, but i am ever hopeful that obama can bring about the change that needs to come in this country.
discussing with a close friend of mine, she's heard people at the college where she works say things about how now 'the white folks will know how it feels' since we have a black president & 'we' are finally in power. i'd just like to post her response:

"I just wish people would see that this man has the potential to make America hopeful, to make us a country that believes in ourselves.

I would love to explain that this is a man who is America. Someone who is multiracial, who overcame large obstacles, and someone who became the most powerful individual in the world in four short years. I want to tell these students he won because his vision moved a country, he made Americans take pride in their nation, in their rights. He’s created a feeling of hope that hasn’t been around since the Kennedy era.

I also want to tell them he has a difficult job. His job is going to be harder than anyone’s in the world. He is taking charge of a country that is economically defunct, a country that is selfish, a country that has made political decisions the whole world disapproves of, a country that needs to fix itself for all of its citizens. I don’t envy his job."

she's so smart. that's why we're friends.

the best purple food in the universe

i'm not generally a fan of purple, in food, clothing or otherwise. admittedly, i loved purple like most little girls, but around 8th grade a 'friend' told me redheads should never wear purple & it sortof ingrained itself into my consciousness. now my only concession is the occasional periwinkle shade in my wardrobe.
but there is one purple food i can eat. my favourite thing ever is pickled beets! and because they aren't exactly easy transport from my parents' 800+ miles away, i rarely ever get to enjoy them. well, i'm planning to change all that by making my first attempt at canning this weekend. i just picked up 2lbs of beets at the farmer's market this morning & i'm going to head to the consignment store later this afternoon to get half a dozen or so half pint jars. i have my great-great grandmother's recipe (i'm not sure if it's the norwegian or english one on my dad's side; leaning towards norwegian-pickled everything!). we shall see how things go tomorrow. i'll try to photodoc my steps & i'm more than happy to share the recipe with the blogosphere.
*fingers crossed* here's hoping they turn out as tasty as i remember!
(and that my entire kitchen is not stained with beet juice!)

bridal update

so, since i have yet to be asked to be a bridesmaid for my brother's wedding, i found out from my mother this week that i won't be until i go home for christmas. my brother's fiancee wants to wait until she meets me face-to-face. i guess that's okay. better than being shut out entirely.
and today my mother went to whatever wedding shop in our hometown for my fsil (future sis-in-law) to find a gown. she, my mom, not being the fashiony type & whatnot, said it was really fun. i'm afraid the bug has hit her. like every mother, the urge to marry off her children & plan the wedding has struck. perhaps it's only because g lives so close & she knows it's not likely to happen with me, due to distance & whatever other circumstances (you know, not being engaged & wanting to elope).
apparently, after trying on a number of dresses, fsil put on one & just stood there staring in the mirror until she burst into tears. the consensus of my mother & the two bridesmaids present: it was the one. her mother, on the other hand, was less than impressed.
and i guess the prospective, yet not confirmed, bridesmaids' dresses will be strapless, tea-length with a bubble skirt in champagne (colours-champagne, chocolate brown & pink) with a brown sash. i'm rather pleased. when my friend m was trying on wedding dresses when i was in nashville 2 years ago, i decided that i like the champagne colour the best for future reference.
hope everyone's having a great weekend!

cut out?

so i just found out that my brother & his fiancee will have 7 attendants each for the wedding next august. and i may not be asked to be in the wedding. or maybe just as a reader. that seems like a slap in the face if i'm not included in my only sibling's ceremony. my mother doesn't see how that's an issue. really? it's not insulting that immediate family (there's only the 4 of us-mom, dad, brother & i) doesn't participate? oh, okay mom. i won't take it that way, then.
i doubt that she, the fiancee, will neglect her future sister-in-law's involvement (apparently after she said yes, the first thing she asked when she was going to get to meet me), but that my own family don't think it's an important thing boggles my mind. we've always been close-knit & weddings aren't a big deal to me, but my little brother only gets married once (i hope).
should i not be hurt by this? yeesh, even s understands.

proposal

by the time i post this, my little brother (who will be 28 in october) will have proposed to his girlfriend of barely one year. i haven't even met the girl, unless you count a couple of speakerphone conversations and some comments on myspace. the parents love her, she's a nurse so she understands the demands of my brother's emt career & they both seem truly smitten. i'm incredibly happy for them. i wonder if they're gonna rush the wedding, since she wants to be married. maybe being engaged for a while will be good enough.

edit- here's a pic of the ring that lb texted me just now. i love how you can see the lake (he proposed at my aunt & uncle's cabin) between her fingers.


on with the really interesting stuff: my love life. monday we had our usual dinner night. tuesday, s picked me up from work because it was too hot to walk. (sweltering 90s) wednesday, met briefly at my place & then he dropped off some .99 tacos from a local mexican place for me. thursday night, s called again & asked if i wanted to stay over. as the likelihood that i'd get more sleep, still not knowing whether my upstairs neighbors would keep me awake (more on that later), i jumped at the chance. we chatted, i watched the rest of supersize me, curled up in bed for a few chapters of my book & zonked out. friday around 8, he called & asked if i wanted to come over to watch drillbit taylor. it was a cute 'tweenish version of superbad, i thought. quite likeable. slept until 11 after a wrestling match of 'please keep your morning breath away from me' when i mentioned my desire to get one of those horrific hardee's prime rib burger things. yes, the commercial talked me into it, plus i love steak. one problem, the local restaurant was smack in the middle of the flooding, so no go. we located the nearest one & road trip! it was actually pretty fun, just to drive out of town, listening to a new cd (the new alkaline trio, which s can't stand because it's too radio-friendly & poppier than their usual stuff) & talking with my sweetie. the rest of the afternoon was spent quite lazily. i flipped through some books/mags while s played a game & we listened to a podcast. man, do i love my weekends.

oh, but my landlord stopped me & asked about the noise because the jerk of an upstairs neighbor is having trouble getting a new lease. or maybe my landlord is having trouble finding someone to sign for the place. either way, i am not pleased about this. he told me 2 months ago, the guy was out. i will be writing up a complaint every time it is loud & if have to i will call the noisy tenant & then call the landlord, even it's 3am. why should he get to sleep if i don't? i really hate the idea of moving after living here 6 years, but i can't go another year the way it has been these past twelve months. *sigh* it never ends.

fondly

yesterday i came home to a letter in the mail. it really made my day! last week i had written to s’s cute little g-ma in st paul asking for a recipe & she wrote back the sweetest note. just like my gran, she had never actually written the recipe down before. and besides sending me a recipe card for the pasta (plus a diagram on how to roll it out properly!), she also sent the recipe for her marinara sauce. i may not be a part of the family, but i'm so happy she was willing to share it. my gran had the best buns in the world; it was a running gag about my grandma’s buns. and we will never be able to replicate that recipe. before she passed away over a year ago, she had tried to write it down for me, but it was so much by feel more than anything else. and i've never been able to make yeast breads with any kind of consistency. maybe it’s time to try again.
it all just makes me miss my grandma j beyond belief. last night when i got home & read the letter, i burst into tears thinking about how we used to write & would chat about our baseball games (i'm inexplicably a cubs fan, while my gran followed the braves & mary ann loves her twins). mary ann wrote about how her twins were doing well this season & how she’s suffering from a little case of gout & she’ll be traveling to moorhead next week and worried about her garden while she’s going to be gone. it was such a grandma letter, almost verbatim what my grandma always wrote. it's not as though she could ever be a substitute for my grandmothers, but it makes me want to be a part of s’s family (even the crazy part & his not-crazy mother, who is sweet but makes me feel intimidated sometimes because of her protecting her baby boy). of course, this is all a pipe dream, but meh, that’s what dreams are, right?

yesterday before i got home, i had broken out the ol’ iPod nano & was shuffling through songs. one i hadn’t heard in ages, but always loved was bebo norman’s “i'm alright”. not sure why i had neglected it so long, but the lyrics always seem to fit.

i've got a little hope in my pocket, i want to share a bit with you
just be careful that you don't drop it, but don't worry if you do
'cause i got broken down inside me, and i might just need some help
but i will get by

and i've got demons in my history, got bone beneath my skin
but i've been taken by a mystery, yes, i've been taken in
and sometimes voices down inside me try to fight me for myself
i will get by

what have i got to live for
if there's nothing beating in my chest
what have i got to live for
when this world starts turning, it's burning me up
i'm alright

i used to think love was just a barter, second hand coincidence
what doesn't kill you just makes you harder, so i used my common sense
keeping cold to keep my distance, ‘til you took my pride away
now i will get by

i am not afraid, no, i am not afraid
and i will not go crazy here

i've got a little hope here in my pocket, i want to share a bit with you
so just be careful that you don't drop it, but don't worry if you do
'cause i got voices down inside me, and i might just need some help
i will get by

what have i got to live for
if there's nothing beating in my chest
what have i got to live for
when this world starts turning, burning me up
when my heart is hurting, i'm learning the rough
when this world starts turning, it's burning me up
i'm alright

puddle hopping

mum & i are returning to england after a 5-year hiatus. yay! she booked the trip last night. last week february/first week of march, 6 nights.

things i must do in london, spring ‘08:
two (2) plays, minimum
tut exhibit
london eye
eat at my olde dutch (for the 5th time)

any other 'musts'? this will be my fifth trip in a dozen years, so i've already seen most of it & have plans for repeats on many things.

my dad is rather disappointed about this trip, even though it's been five years in the making. mum's first trip was the same week we declared war on iraq (march 2003) and was a painfully brief 3 days. she'd wanted to go her entire life, which is why she sent me the first time when i was sixteen. anyway, dad says this is all a surprise to him when my mum made the reservations last night because finances are tight (mum has been saving specifically for this for at least 3 years), he wanted to go visit his sister in texas because it could be his last trip (where do i get my melodramatic streak?), when is mother going to have more vacation time and once the jeep craps out they'll need to invest in a new(ish) vehicle. he does know how to lay on the guilt trip. i know he's sick, but he's not helping his health by this depression, which i informed him he should talk to a therapist, whether he's diagnosed with a terminal illness or not. and since he has yet to be diagnosed with one, there's no need to play guessing games as to which dire disease he thinks he may have now. i love my daddy, but if he isn't careful, he's going to quite literally worry himself into an early grave. *sigh* there goes the sparkle on my trip to londontown.

diagnosis-not CA?

i'd planned on posting an update on my dad's health about a week ago, but just hadn't gotten around to it yet. after all the frustration of having an inguinal lymph node removed for biopsy, then returning as requested in one week to be told they didn't have the results yet & should come back in a week (which happened to be the same day that i was admitted to the hospital for the 2nd time), my parents went back to the doctor for the results. yay, not lymphoma! good news, but there were some spots on his liver, so they had him stay for a ct, whole upper body, chest/abdomen/pelvis/neck, i think. it was late & the radiologist wasn't going to read the scan that day so they sent him home. also, they set him up for a pet scan, which then had to be rescheduled to 10/18 because of insurance pre-authorization that the doctor didn't sign. okay...
and now this morning, talking to my mom on the way to work, she tells me that they received the biopsy report in the mail yesterday and it says 'lymphadenopathy shows likely lymphoma'. wtf is wrong with his doctor?!?! seriously, i am pissed off.