fondly

yesterday i came home to a letter in the mail. it really made my day! last week i had written to s’s cute little g-ma in st paul asking for a recipe & she wrote back the sweetest note. just like my gran, she had never actually written the recipe down before. and besides sending me a recipe card for the pasta (plus a diagram on how to roll it out properly!), she also sent the recipe for her marinara sauce. i may not be a part of the family, but i'm so happy she was willing to share it. my gran had the best buns in the world; it was a running gag about my grandma’s buns. and we will never be able to replicate that recipe. before she passed away over a year ago, she had tried to write it down for me, but it was so much by feel more than anything else. and i've never been able to make yeast breads with any kind of consistency. maybe it’s time to try again.
it all just makes me miss my grandma j beyond belief. last night when i got home & read the letter, i burst into tears thinking about how we used to write & would chat about our baseball games (i'm inexplicably a cubs fan, while my gran followed the braves & mary ann loves her twins). mary ann wrote about how her twins were doing well this season & how she’s suffering from a little case of gout & she’ll be traveling to moorhead next week and worried about her garden while she’s going to be gone. it was such a grandma letter, almost verbatim what my grandma always wrote. it's not as though she could ever be a substitute for my grandmothers, but it makes me want to be a part of s’s family (even the crazy part & his not-crazy mother, who is sweet but makes me feel intimidated sometimes because of her protecting her baby boy). of course, this is all a pipe dream, but meh, that’s what dreams are, right?

yesterday before i got home, i had broken out the ol’ iPod nano & was shuffling through songs. one i hadn’t heard in ages, but always loved was bebo norman’s “i'm alright”. not sure why i had neglected it so long, but the lyrics always seem to fit.

i've got a little hope in my pocket, i want to share a bit with you
just be careful that you don't drop it, but don't worry if you do
'cause i got broken down inside me, and i might just need some help
but i will get by

and i've got demons in my history, got bone beneath my skin
but i've been taken by a mystery, yes, i've been taken in
and sometimes voices down inside me try to fight me for myself
i will get by

what have i got to live for
if there's nothing beating in my chest
what have i got to live for
when this world starts turning, it's burning me up
i'm alright

i used to think love was just a barter, second hand coincidence
what doesn't kill you just makes you harder, so i used my common sense
keeping cold to keep my distance, ‘til you took my pride away
now i will get by

i am not afraid, no, i am not afraid
and i will not go crazy here

i've got a little hope here in my pocket, i want to share a bit with you
so just be careful that you don't drop it, but don't worry if you do
'cause i got voices down inside me, and i might just need some help
i will get by

what have i got to live for
if there's nothing beating in my chest
what have i got to live for
when this world starts turning, burning me up
when my heart is hurting, i'm learning the rough
when this world starts turning, it's burning me up
i'm alright