Sunday, February 17, 2008

one week

i thought maybe it'd be a little better by now. wednesday, thursday & friday were okay because i either saw or talked with s. not that i didn't cry over it because i seem to be able to keep my composure around anyone else but him. not seeing him at all makes me more miserable than seeing him. the thought of losing him entirely overwhelms me. yeah, yeah, i'll survive. strong woman, whatever. i just don't see why i'd want to.
last night at the bar with some friends who just got back into town. s stopped by & i got a ride home as the icestorm was just starting up. it worries me, seeing him nearly as pained as i am, but not letting me in. i don't know who's helping him through this. he just says that he can't be in a relationship with anyone right now, not more than friends. i wish he could understand that it's not always easy, but that's the time you have to work harder, together. i don't know, maybe my fairytale-my happy ending isn't to be. i hope that's not the case because he's worth every ounce of this pain i'm feeling right now; he's worth fighting for.

and i'm still not up to talking about this in any other medium than written. i'd just be incoherent.

and on the topic of one week, i'll be leaving in about a week. looking forward to meeting suzanne (of cuss), seeing nyc, going back to london & theatre (we've got tix to wicked & spamalot, plus one more not yet chosen play), not to mention the food. how i love me some food! my friend n has asked for bizarre british treats, so i'll see what i can smuggle back. also, i have to hit up at least one of the lush stores. i need to restock. there goes the idea of only carry-on luggage!
but back to work for me. apologies for all the angst, but that's my life.

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At 2/17/08, 6:53 PM, Blogger super des said...

I hope that after he works through his things, he realizes how much better it would be if you were there to help him.

AND I kinda wish I hadn't left NYC before your visit, but you know, life.
(you're always welcome in Detroit, next time you have a layover here?)

At 2/17/08, 8:58 PM, Blogger Becky said...

No I hadn't read your blogs. It makes me wish even more that I had my own personal jet, I'd totally be up there in a heartbeat (but then again, if I had my own personal jet, I'd just fly you down here where its warm!!). I worry that you're not talking about this with anyone, but the blog format does help, I can't be as brave as that, I can't let it out like you. That is a courageous thing to do.

I never understand the whole, let's be friends thing immediately follwoing a breakup. I think the most realistic thing to do is to have the time between apart, and then if you eventually come ack together, great. But it sounds as if he's confused and doesn't know what he wants. Which sucks even more for you.

You ever want to talk, just call. After all, I am trying to become a counselor!


At 2/19/08, 8:39 PM, Blogger Suzanne said...

Hey, there's a lush store around the corner from my apartment if you want to drag the soap to and from London. It's probably cheaper here, although I'm not sure.

I can't wait to see you in a week, and I ditto what Des says about s coming to his senses.

At 2/20/08, 1:24 PM, Blogger Warrior Two said...

Sigh. I guessed correctly. I dunno about waiting for him to "come to his senses". If I were you I'd start thinking about cutting my losses and moving forward. It is my experience that someone who waffles makes a lousy long-term partner.

I know from experience that the first few weeks are a transition period; you've been bonding to this person, and it feels awful when you're not spending time with them, but slowly, you'll feel better spending less and less time with him. You will start to recognize the ways he isn't the right one for you, and that you deserve to look for and find someone who is going to be mature, strong and committed to finding happiness alongside you (not IN you, and not you IN him).

For now, find your friends, find some things you love that are all your own (LUSH is great for that! :D) and indulge, indulge, indulge. Be your fabulous, amazing self, by yourself, and know that you are capable of bearing--and soon, releasing--this temporary grief.


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