war torn

oh g-d. i am going to die.
tonight, in the middle of dinner, s told me that he would volunteer to go back to iraq if his old unit were redeployed. you see, he switched to a local unit this year. he'll drill here in town starting next month, but they've already been called up, & since he's not trained as a medic yet & their roster is filled, he's not going back. but if the unit he went to iraq with in 2004 gets called any time this year, he's going to volunteer even though he's supposed to be out january of next year. they're family. i spent about an hour crying & calling him mean for doing that to me.
i don't think i can handle him being gone, in danger, for 15 months. i'm not gonna pull the 'be strong' mentality. i missed him terribly when he was gone for two weeks at annual training last may. it'll be an infinite number of times more difficult if he's gone for over a year. and it's not like this war is going to end any time soon. in two months, it'll have been going on for FIVE years. five whole years! can anyone believe that? and have we really achieved that much in such a period of time? it's definitely not that i don't support the troops; it's the war i have a problem with. my brother is also a decorated veteran. before i ever met s, my brother had my support & prayers, no matter what i thought of the events over in the 'big sandbox' as they call it. i just don't know how i can deal with this when, if it does happen. the likelihood is greater than ever with this whole idea of stopping troop cutbacks from w recently. how i wish richardson had stayed in the race & won, so someone would actually get all the troops out. not for me, but for all the families of soldiers. okay, yes, for me. because i'm selfish & don't want s in danger again. just because i didn't know him when, doesn't mean that i don't freak out thinking about what he went through, how he's still suffering from things that happened. if he has to go again, how can his luck hold out? and how am i supposed to deal with it?