Thursday, April 14, 2005

illin'

it has been a while, hasn't it? things have been going along at a frenetic & yet never-quite-fast-enough pace lately. look at me, all for oxymoronic expression.
as per the title of this post, i've been quite sick recently. for at least the past two months i've been taking some delightful little steroids that have done absolutely nothing, or next to it, to improve my condition. said condition consists of internal bleeding (hematochezia for the more medically inclined) that makes me feel rather violently ill at the most inopportune moments. (although i'm unsure as to when it would be advantageous to feel indisposed.) usually it's limited to the early mornings/evenings, but you never can predict when a rousing bout of @#^&! will strike. back when i was twenty was when i first discovered i had colitis & the doctor ordered me on bedrest for the entire summer. that didn't prevent me from needing a transfusion because my iron was so low (hemoglobin>4.2 w00t!) anyway, it's something i've lived with, mostly in remission off & on, for the past six years. now for some reason it's returned with a vengeance, not unlike montezuma's. how apt! if it doesn't improve soon, surgery is really the only viable option. going under the knife doesn't worry me; it's the way i'd have to live post-op cartin' around a nice colostomy bag. sounds like the life.
living with this & having started a new job, partly because i believe the old job was aggravating my medical condition, has me in the same odd place that i've been complaining about in most of my previous posts. i'm not exactly depressed at all, but more lost. it's that whole limbo thing i mentioned before. don't know where my life is going, what i want to do or when i'll feel better physically, haven't had a vacation in over a year (read-haven't seen my family in that long), barely scrape by financially and i can't even drink to enjoy myself or escape any other problem that may rear its ugly head. (okay, technically i could drink, but i'm not the type to cry in my beer; i just know that i'd be sicker than a dog the next day, even moreso than usual.) and for the most part, i'm okay with all that. it'd just be really nice to have a magic mirror, so i could look ahead to see if/when things will change in the future. right now, six months is the plan, when i'll be able to take a vacation, unless i get bumped as low girl on the totem. and that's what i'm looking forward to. i'll still just take it day by day. there are plans for things to be done within that time, classes to take, new directions & approaches, & plenty of stuff to be done.

ps~what on earth happened to my images? silly template!

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1 Comments:

At 4/26/05, 3:33 PM, Blogger amo said...

praying for you, mar-mar. :(

 

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